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February 2013
Ernie's World

Super Birthday Bowl Day

"That's right, Dear! Because you are about to be treated to a full day of uninterrupted football! You'll enjoy all the passes, clashes and smashes. Instant replays of near-death injuries from three-dozen different camera angles including a new view this year from the space station.

January 2013
Strictly Humor

When Bigfoot Turns Pro

If you're one of that baffling ilk who say "at least you can dress for the cold," I can't help you; I'll never understand you, and may the penguins of paradise march into your foot pajamas.

Ernie's World

Resolutions Version 2.013

I'm also going to ask my editor if I can change my humor column into an occasional humor tweet, which will prevent eyestrain for my readers and save thousands the cost of Lasik surgery, which will reduce healthcare costs.

December 2012
Strictly Humor

Santa on the Stump

Some of these Chinese-made items are shipped from the United Kingdom. This means that we live on a planet where petroleum-based rabbit ear utensils first go around the world before they ultimately land on the “Free!” desperation tables at next summer’s yard sales in America.


The Heavenly Smell of Coffee

Obviously, Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln are pretty important historical figures. But I revere people like Mrs. Olson who saved marriages in her mountain-grown coffee commercials, Joe Di Maggio who sold us the Mr. Coffee machines, and Howard Schultz who built the Starbucks Empire. Those are the faces that really belong on Mount Rushmore and on American currency.

Strictly Humor

Frost on Your Nose, and Other Poems

The holiday season, however, has a way of bringing poetry into the warming innards of our hearts, or as the poet might say, its “cockles.” (For the record, should the need arise, I’d want my heart surgeon well-versed in mitral valve repair, not cockle heat.)

Ernie's World

Artificial Unintelligence

Another time I cut a perfect tree, but the bottom was uneven so it wouldn't fit in the stand. I trimmed a bit, then a bit more, then a bit more, until I ended up with a tree that was six-feet wide and three-feet tall.

November 2012
Ernie's World

My Kingdom for a Wheat Thin

The first year I moved here from New Hampshire I was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner that included a tofu turkey. I don't know where you'd even hunt tofu turkeys or what kind of bullet you'd have to shoot it with to keep it in one piece like that. Do they make tofu shot that they keep on the shelf next to the buckshot and birdshot? Is there a mating call whistle?

Skinny Dipping

Thanksgiving Dinner and Other Family Fiascoes

After beer was served, Uncles Harry and Dick got into a heated argument over the White House Christmas tree.  Dick swore that it is unconstitutional, unless they also added a Menorah and Kwanzaa tree. They also fought over whether or not the very first turducken happened in mid-air.

October 2012
Senior Moments

A Halloween Experiment

The dénouement for my dad¹s "Halloween Experiment" is not encouraging for the future of the human family. On the other hand, "entrapment" might be the verdict of any fair-minded judge for what happened.

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