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Humor

March 2013
Smith
Circling the Drain

A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste

In all fairness, it's not my brain's fault for failing to keep up with the incessant demand for retaining information. Between being submerged during fraternity keg parties, oxygen-depleted by pot through the ‘60s and suffocated with black market muscle relaxants, it's a wonder there's anything left for my dementia and Alzheimer's to grab on to.

Witham
Ernie's World

Another Day in Suburbia

Unfortunately, there was so much stuff currently residing in our garage it would be impossible to even fit a 12-year-old Chinese gymnast in there  –  which is too bad really because she could have probably helped read the instructions.

February 2013
Bardy
Laverne's View

Don’t You Hate It When That Happens?

I breathed an enormous, quivering, sigh of relief, closed my eyes and thanked God for watching over me. He must have known my plans for the evening included snuggling under my covers with a hot cup of herbal tea, watching my Thursday night television lineup, and sticking a finger or two into the hole of my pencil sharpener.

Sherman
Strictly Humor

The Big Loaded Gun

With my finger on the trigger, my heart in my throat, my wife safely secured in the privy and another colorfast washload thumping away, I was ready to fire. The bear was teetering on the sill.

Witham
Ernie's World

Super Birthday Bowl Day

"That's right, Dear! Because you are about to be treated to a full day of uninterrupted football! You'll enjoy all the passes, clashes and smashes. Instant replays of near-death injuries from three-dozen different camera angles including a new view this year from the space station.

January 2013
Sherman
Strictly Humor

When Bigfoot Turns Pro

If you're one of that baffling ilk who say "at least you can dress for the cold," I can't help you; I'll never understand you, and may the penguins of paradise march into your foot pajamas.

Witham
Ernie's World

Resolutions Version 2.013

I'm also going to ask my editor if I can change my humor column into an occasional humor tweet, which will prevent eyestrain for my readers and save thousands the cost of Lasik surgery, which will reduce healthcare costs.

December 2012
Sherman
Strictly Humor

Santa on the Stump

Some of these Chinese-made items are shipped from the United Kingdom. This means that we live on a planet where petroleum-based rabbit ear utensils first go around the world before they ultimately land on the “Free!” desperation tables at next summer’s yard sales in America.

Liburdi

The Heavenly Smell of Coffee

Obviously, Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln are pretty important historical figures. But I revere people like Mrs. Olson who saved marriages in her mountain-grown coffee commercials, Joe Di Maggio who sold us the Mr. Coffee machines, and Howard Schultz who built the Starbucks Empire. Those are the faces that really belong on Mount Rushmore and on American currency.

Sherman
Strictly Humor

Frost on Your Nose, and Other Poems

The holiday season, however, has a way of bringing poetry into the warming innards of our hearts, or as the poet might say, its “cockles.” (For the record, should the need arise, I’d want my heart surgeon well-versed in mitral valve repair, not cockle heat.)

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