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Humor

February 2017
Rosen

The Bite

By saying “situation” and not “problem” I was showing what a progressive grandfather I was. One thing I did not want to say was, “I’m going to tell your mother.” That’s not who I am. I am better than that. I can fix this problem myself (oops, I said problem).

White-Walker
Agelessly Yours

Look Again, Lady

It’s good not to push when you’re aware that you have aching knees when you walk, or throbbing toes when you struggle to wear sexy dress shoes in the city, as if anybody in Times Square, “the crosswalk of the world,” would even notice?

Witham
Ernie's World

Yippee Ki-yay

"Look, it's John Wayne!" I hadn't realized he was a singing cowboy when he started. They had a clip of him walking into a gunfight, singing to the other gunslinger as he got ready to draw. He only did his own singing once before someone quickly suggested dubbing.

Wolfsie

Pants on Fire

I am going to start a support group for men who have waists and inseams that are not even numbers. Share your stories, explain your frustrations. Admit you are odd. I’m going to call it Alterations Anonymous.

January 2017
Lebel
Gray Matter

Help Me! I Think I’m Cursed

I’m pretty sure there’s no cure for this disorder, so in desperation I’m starting a foundation, PSHU, to raise money to look into whatever it is that causes a sane person during a breast exam to chirp out Madonna’s infamous song lines “Like a virgin. Touched for the very first time.”

Murphy
Social Insecurity

Just Realized My Entire Wardrobe Is NSFW

I really think if I could squeeze into a pair of those chic jeans it would create the illusion of cutting off ten pounds. But the illusion wouldn’t last because eventually I would have to exhale.

Rosen

The Most Brilliant People in History vs. My Family

Cousin Murray: He knows how to program his DVD and he can download an app. He can Skype and Snapchat, and can assemble an IKEA table. This to me is pure brilliance.

White-Walker
Agelessly Yours

Growing Old Gracefully? How Should I Know?

I might be playing these little mind games with myself, not so much pretending to not be my age, but truly disbelieving that I can’t possibly be this old, this quickly. Seems like yesterday I was drinking Ovaltine from a sippy cup and today I’m popping down Geritol with a prune juice chaser.

Witham
Ernie's World

Lost in Funkzonia

First thing I noticed is that they had 20 taps, but no names on them, just numbers. I was a little nervous that if I just pointed I might end up with a Coors Light or its close cousin – water.

December 2016
Lebel
Gray Matter

Aging Gracefully? Not Me.

I can’t remember the last time I got down on the floor to do anything. Except that time I dropped my ring under the couch and the couch was too heavy to move. That time I was rolling around on the floor for over two hours. It took two firemen to hoist me up.

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