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February 2017
Levine's Levity

Tax Loopy Holes

As a tax pro at a retail firm, I have found that every line in the 1040 is the catalyst for a mini-series. In fact a good name for what ensues is a “Funny Thing Happened on the Way to The Forms” If you don’t agree, I will refund your time spent reading this.

Vintage Vibes

Spring Break Senior Style

My short legs kept sliding in opposite directions trying to escape my hindquarters. I had already expended a lot of my body’s capacity for physical vigor trying to roll from my back to my belly to my knees. The potential damage I could do with the ski poles had people of perception slip-sliding out of my reach! All this and I was just trying to get in line for the lesson!


The Bite

By saying “situation” and not “problem” I was showing what a progressive grandfather I was. One thing I did not want to say was, “I’m going to tell your mother.” That’s not who I am. I am better than that. I can fix this problem myself (oops, I said problem).

Agelessly Yours

Look Again, Lady

It’s good not to push when you’re aware that you have aching knees when you walk, or throbbing toes when you struggle to wear sexy dress shoes in the city, as if anybody in Times Square, “the crosswalk of the world,” would even notice?

Ernie's World

Yippee Ki-yay

"Look, it's John Wayne!" I hadn't realized he was a singing cowboy when he started. They had a clip of him walking into a gunfight, singing to the other gunslinger as he got ready to draw. He only did his own singing once before someone quickly suggested dubbing.


Pants on Fire

I am going to start a support group for men who have waists and inseams that are not even numbers. Share your stories, explain your frustrations. Admit you are odd. I’m going to call it Alterations Anonymous.

January 2017
Gray Matter

Help Me! I Think I’m Cursed

I’m pretty sure there’s no cure for this disorder, so in desperation I’m starting a foundation, PSHU, to raise money to look into whatever it is that causes a sane person during a breast exam to chirp out Madonna’s infamous song lines “Like a virgin. Touched for the very first time.”

Social Insecurity

Just Realized My Entire Wardrobe Is NSFW

I really think if I could squeeze into a pair of those chic jeans it would create the illusion of cutting off ten pounds. But the illusion wouldn’t last because eventually I would have to exhale.


The Most Brilliant People in History vs. My Family

Cousin Murray: He knows how to program his DVD and he can download an app. He can Skype and Snapchat, and can assemble an IKEA table. This to me is pure brilliance.

Agelessly Yours

Growing Old Gracefully? How Should I Know?

I might be playing these little mind games with myself, not so much pretending to not be my age, but truly disbelieving that I can’t possibly be this old, this quickly. Seems like yesterday I was drinking Ovaltine from a sippy cup and today I’m popping down Geritol with a prune juice chaser.

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