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Humor

April 2019
Breslin
Alive and Kidding

Are You Calm or a Worrywart?

 

I sobbed out, “I accidentally belched in the middle of dinner! I’m so embarrassed, I’ll never be able to face Kevin again!”

Poor Dad rolled his eyes and said, “You mean I just drank half a bottle of that disgusting chalk for that?”

Rearick
Puttin' on the Gritz

Drop Back One and Punt

Five minutes later, crawling on my hands and knees, I reach my rumpled bed while holding a small plastic wastebasket clamped between my front teeth. Babe, on the other hand, is walking the floor as if he’s the title of a country/western song.

White-Walker
Agelessly Yours

Like Two Feet In One Shoe — Ouch!

I had a better chance of hitting the Mega Millions Lottery where your odds are about 265 million to one of winning, than both of us being propped up on some mantlepiece in a bulging urn.

Witham
Ernie's World

Conquering The Narrows

Realized as I neared the water that a) there were numerous motorboats darting about my landing spot and b) I hadn’t decided ahead of time whether to jump or dive. This resulted in a belly flop of epic proportions. Or as it soon became known – “the Ernie.”

Wolfsie

Travel Prep

The only retort I could come up with quickly was using words I learned the previous night: Mi elefante tiene dos hermanas. (My elephant has two sisters.) I think Mary Ellen will have a better chance to employ her language skills than I will.

March 2019
Breslin
Alive and Kidding

Trying to Recall ‘Steamy’ for My Romance Novel

I struggled for weeks to write the perfect romantic scene. Each time I finally managed to complete a few paragraphs, I would read them to my husband and ask him how they made him feel. He usually ended up laughing too hard to respond.

Lebel
Gray Matter

When You Can’t Sleep at 3 a.m.

Pull in your stomach and see how long you can hold it. Put a huge smile on your face and think of something funny/interesting to say if you met that person again. If you put your teeth back in before you do this it works better.

Murphy
Social Insecurity

Getting a Haircut Can Cause High Anxiety

“Deciding which type of haircut is right for you can be one of the biggest challenges senior men face. A hairstyle that worked 30 years ago may no longer look as good as it once did.”

I’ve got news, buddy, when it comes to senior men, NOTHING works or looks as good as it did 30 years ago!

Wolfsie

Survey Says…

 I scrolled all the way to the bottom of the drop-down menu and found the earliest birth year listed I clicked on 1918. I thought that might dissuade the life insurance sales people from pestering me with calls.

February 2019
Bardy
Laverne's View

Getting All That I Deserve

He then said that since his wife’s passing he’d only dated young women with tight derrieres, firm boobs and airbrushed skin. I assured him that we would never meet.

But, he wore me down, and we did meet, and despite my puckered skin, timeworn boobs and great-for-child-bearing hips, he wanted me because he liked my mind.

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