Meet our writers

 







Humor May 2018

My Main Squeeze

By Dick Wolfsie

I would explain exactly how to do them in this column, but I was even embarrassed when the doctor gave me the instructions in his office. (Now, I'll wait while you ask Siri. Otherwise, the rest of this column will make no sense). By the way, Siri will definitely know what Kegels are. All women do.

I'm doing Kegels right now, as I type. I'm supposed to do 50 per day. When my doctor suggested I do them following a medical procedure, I was not familiar with these particular exercises. My wife knew what they were; my sister knew, too. Heidi, my proofreader, was surprised to learn that men can do them. And I'm surprised…that this newspaper published this column. 

I hesitated to write about doing Kegels after Mary Ellen and I discussed that I might have to include some private parts of my life. (I think this is where I'm supposed say: no pun intended.)

Kegels are a type of pelvic-floor exercise. If you are a guy and are clueless about them, as I was, please look it up. I would explain exactly how to do them in this column, but I was even
embarrassed when the doctor gave me the instructions in his office. (Now, I'll wait while you ask
Siri. Otherwise, the rest of this column will make no sense). By the way, Siri will definitely know what Kegels are. All women do. 

Mary Ellen reminds me to be diligent about following the doctor’s orders. While we’re watching a TV show, eating dinner or going somewhere in the car, she asks, "Are you doing your exercises?" I always say "yes."  It’s so easy to lie about this, compared to when I say things like "Yes, dear, I know it looks like I'm napping but I'm really on the treadmill.”

This daily regimen is much simpler than the exercises I was required to do after I had my knee surgery. All the way through those physical therapy sessions, I would be grunting and groaning in pain, twisting my leg into places it didn't want to go.  In comparison, you wouldn't know I was doing a Kegel exercise, although the other night at dinner Mary Ellen asked, "You're doing your exercises right now, in the middle of our conversation, aren’t you?” 

"Why do you think that?  I'm not breathing heavily, am I?"     

"No, but your voice went up two octaves."

The Kegel exercise was developed by Dr. Arnold Kegel in 1948.  He came up with the idea when he was sitting around one day, which is a very accurate description of what you look like when you are actually doing these exercises. The philosopher René Descartes was famous for sitting in a chair and saying, “I think, therefore I am." In theory, Descartes could have made one of the most catchy philosophical observations of all time while doing Kegel exercises. Historians who have studied Descartes claim he was a little uptight. I rest my case.

This morning, I told Mary Ellen I had already exceeded the number of repetitions I was required to do for the whole day. She gave me a big hug as I walked out the door and said, “Good for you. You are the King of Kegels.”

"I am the King," I said, "and right now my pelvis is leaving the building.”

 

Dick Wolfsie welcomes your feedback at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Meet Dick