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Rainbow Kitchen

How Everything You Studied and Thought You’d Never Use Comes Together Deliciously in Your Mouth

By Allison St. Claire
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Every technique and recipe is easy to reproduce in your kitchen or eating out, so much so you’ll want to try everything without ever needing to use that old excuse that “my dog ate my homework.” It will never have the chance, you will have already demolished the results with gusto.

Remember back in school when our most vociferous whining went something like this: Why do I have to study algebra (or philosophy or economics or anthropology or ... fill in your own blank)? I’m never going to use it. Or after graduation, fervently hoped you’d never have to crack another textbook?

Ha! Do you enjoy food? Would you never, ever want anyone to accuse you of being a “Foodie” (so millennial hipster), but relish the joyful fact that you are indeed an Eater?

I have just the book for you. A textbook, no less. And it covers all these fields: physical sciences, language arts, engineering, philosophy, business & economics, cultural studies & anthropology, mathematics, psychology, biology & ecology, and even etiquette & hospitality. Sounds daunting, doesn’t it?

But this sometimes roll-on-floor laughing, rollicking tome will not only have you see food in a whole new light, but get you racing to the kitchen and table relishing every bite you take. In other words, as the title indicates, you’ll Eat More Better (Simon & Schuster, 2014). As author Dan Pashman says: “Make no mistake, this journey will change you. The cherished notions with which you were raised will be challenged and laid bare for their foolishness. The orthodoxies of your past will become the blasphemies of your present. Some of you will object. Others will go insane.  For those who survive, no meal will look or taste the same again. A cheeseburger will only be right-side up if it’s upside down.”

Or as one reviewer put it: “Pashman analyzes everyday foods in extraordinary detail to answer some of the most pressing questions of our time, including: Is a cheeseburger better when the cheese is on the bottom, closer to your tongue, to accentuate cheesy goodness? What are the ethics of cherry‑picking specific ingredients from a snack mix? And what role does surface‑area‑to‑volume ratio play in fried food enjoyment and ice cube selection?”

Every technique and recipe is easy to reproduce in your kitchen or eating out, so much so you’ll want to try everything without ever needing to use that old excuse that “my dog ate my homework.” It will never have the chance, you will have already demolished the results with gusto.

So here -- until you can grab your own copy off the library or bookstore or online bookshelf, are some wonderful examples.

  • What your tongue encounters first is what you’ll taste the most. Hence the need to put cheese on the bottom of your burger; how to combine and thereby improve Girl Scout cookies; and how to invert salads so you taste the flavorful toppings before the foundational and usually bland greens.
  • Avoid food stains on your lap by applying force = mass x acceleration (i.e., preventing sandwich slippage) by putting a layer of dry greens between tomatoes and cucumbers or avocados to create enough friction to create a structurally sound creation.
  • How to use game theory as a strategy to get the most and best out of a buffet layout employing such tactics as the Hummingbird Technique otherwise known as the Hover-and-Dart, or going with the ebb and flow of the buffet line with Riding the Wave.
  • Get the best and freshest fast food, and then use sensible techniques for eating while driving such as eating the fries first since they have the shortest life expectancy, always dipping the fries rather squirting ketchup directly onto them, and never eating foods that require utensils.
  • Understand pasta phylum criteria: forkability, sauceability, toothsinkability for fantastic results.
  • And finally, maximize The Popcorn Moment with in vitro popcorn-butter fertilization and proper consumption techniques such as The Bullfrog vs. The Face Funnel.

Since liquid dripping onto your keyboard is not a good way to treat your electronic friends, I’ll close off this column now. Just going back through the pages of this book has initiated my saliva reflex as I contemplate my next foray into the kitchen and the vast new Eatscape Dan Pashman has introduced me to. And I hope to you as well, very soon.

Oh, and here’s a lovely way to bring algebra usefully into your life. According to Pashman,  “In solving algebraic equations, mathematicians follow a proscribed order of operations. Cooking also has an order of operations, better known as a >recipe.” Herewith Algebraic Pizza: Heat [(flour + water + yeast + oil + salt) + heat (tomatoes + spices - water) + cheese + y] = pizza. Solve for >Y= which are the toppings you want.
p_allisonbonappetit

Allison St. Claire loves to dream about, study, grow, play with, prepare and ultimately enjoy eating great food.

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