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Reflections April 2013

Golden Ponderings

Not My Daughter's Grandma

By CJ Golden

Instead I have learned that I can be the grandmother I want to be; honoring my own personality and lifestyle and not following some artificial role that the generation before me created.

It was almost 13 years ago that I received the unexpected and very upsetting news that I was to become a grandmother. I flung myself under the covers, threw the pillows over my head and sobbed uncontrollably. How could I possibly be old enough to lay claim to a grandchild when, in my misguided effort to remain ageless, I never, ever, celebrated my birthdays? And yet, the years had, indeed, caught up with me and I was being thrust into this next chapter of my life.

What I neglected to note was that it wasn't all about ME. It was about the joyous occasion of seeing the next generation join our family. It was about watching our daughter take over the parental role that had been left to me alone these many years. It was about learning that being a grandmother is one of life's most treasured gifts.

And what a treasure that first grandchild was and still is. As are her sister and brother. As are her two cousins – the young sons of our son.

You saw that my introduction into grandparenting came about 13 years ago. And now, true to the Jewish religion, that granddaughter is readying for her upcoming Bat Mitzvah. And true to being a typical woman, I am in the midst of preparing myself for the grand occasion.

While my granddaughter is busy practicing her portions of the service during which she becomes a woman in the eyes of Judaism, I am busy preparing for my role at the event: the grandmother who is old compared to the teen and pre-teen guests but not too old to get out on the dance floor and breakdance the night away while sporting a slinky black dress and four-inch heels.

(Only kidding about the breakdancing part — I threw that in to see if you are reading carefully).

I remember my own mother at my daughter's Bat Mitzvah 31 years ago. Dignified, most likely dressed in an expensive and gorgeous St John's knit suit, and sporting a pair of classic pumps on her stocking-covered feet, Mom would have been classy, charming and the epitome of an archetypal 1970's picture-perfect lady. Sort of like Rue McClanahan of “The Golden Girls.” I, however, would rather be Bea Arthur.

And, so, I had a blast finding and buying a dress for the Bat Mitzvah that is, indeed, lovely, yet not quite like the sophisticated cocktail dresses the other grandmothers will possibly be wearing. And the shoes — well, yes — they are glittery black platforms on four-inch heels that I am determined to not only walk in, but dance as well.

This will be a day that is all about the Bat Mitzvah girl. Yet in some sense it is about me, too, for I cannot help but be proud of the way I have created my own role in the lives of my grandchildren. I chose to not follow in my mother's footsteps (nor wear her knitted suits and sensible pumps). Instead I have learned that I can be the grandmother I want to be; honoring my own personality and lifestyle and not following some artificial role that the generation before me created.

That was, ultimately the reason for my overblown negativity upon learning of my upcoming "grandmotherhood." I had believed I had to be my daughter's grandmother and, while I loved my Mom dearly, she just wasn't who I am.

My grandkids are stuck with me and are learning that they can and should be the people they are meant to be — not some cookie-cutter personality that society dictates.

And now I need to leave the computer and practice standing in my Bat Mitzvah shoes without falling on my face.

 

CJ Golden's book, Tao of the Defiant Woman, combines Taoist acceptance with healthy defiance to challenge negativity and achieve inner peace. www.taogirl.com.

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