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Reflections February 2017

Tunnel Visions

At Tax Time, Thoughts about Time: The Time Is Ripe Because Time Is Money, But Is Time Really on My Side?

By Bonnie McCune

My sister-in-law once told me I was the most organized person she knew. In a burst of insight, I realized the flaw in her statement. I’m the most disorganized person, but I’m so threatened by chaos, I frantically try to control it through creating order.

Tax time is fast approaching and I wonder where does the time go? At the beginning of the day (week, month, year), it seems like a huge void to put to use any way I please. At the end of the period, I turn around and see no progress. Why can’t I fill time in the way I want? This is especially true in early April. With papers and emails and scraps of receipts piled around me, I regret I didn’t start earlier and wasn’t better organized.

The problem is, time’s limited. When I was young, I saw no end. It stretched limitless in front of me. I knew I always could make that trip to Paris sometime, if not this year. Now, from this end of the life span, time has no beginning but many endings.

There are things I should do with my time. My blog, for instance. When my first novel was published, the entire world told me I had to create a blog. Further advice from experts added the blog should appear at least twice a week and have at least two links to other websites in it. This is proving to be impossible as winter colds, summer vacations, reruns of HIMYM (“How I Met Your Mother”), playing with grandson, depression, house cleaning, going to the gym, naps, balancing the checkbook –  in short anything else – takes precedence over being productive. What time I do have, I spend most of it reading emails or trying to sleep.

Guilt induces me to compensate by making lists of responsibilities or desires for me to work on eventually. The effect time has on my lists is zero. A quick task? A multi-month duty? No difference. To wit:

My to-do lists don’t differ much now from when I was 18. Then they included:

  • Write   
  • Study French
  • Lose 15 pounds
  • Exercise
  • Clean and organize closet

 

Now they include the same main topics but have increased in complexity:

  • Write

 

  • Lose weight
    ☐  5 pounds
    ☐ 10 pounds
    ☐ 15 pounds
    ☐ 20 pounds
    ☐ 25 pounds

 

  • Study
    ☐ French
    ☐ Music self-taught on harmonica
    ☐ Stimulating mind games

 

  • Exercise
    ☐  Stretches
    ☐  Dance
    ☐  Jogging
    ☐  Bikes

 

  • Clean and organize
    ☐ Papers
    ☐ Photos and photo albums
    ☐ Old magazines

I always think if I just get organized enough, I should be able to cram 48 hours worth of activity into 24.  I’ve never succeeded, although I’m known as ultra-efficient. My sister-in-law once told me I was the most organized person she knew. In a burst of insight, I realized the flaw in her statement. I’m the most disorganized person, but I’m so threatened by chaos, I frantically try to control it through creating order.

I have improved over the decades. When we first married, my husband’s method for managing his records consisted of piling everything helter-skelter in a cardboard box. I preened at my filing folder system. When he asked for a paper, I told him it was in a folder in the cabinet. “What’s the label?” he asked. “Important,” I said.

Yes, I’d stuffed every important document into one giant folder, be it taxes, bank statements, receipts, prescriptions, bills. The folder was about six inches thick. Nowadays at least I break the categories down. The 2016 tax things reside in their own file, with previous years individualized.

When I feel overwhelmed by my lists and worry over what I should be doing, I have a fall-back position to relieve my stress. In a voice down the ages from five centuries ago, Francois Rabelais advised, “With Time, all things are revealed.” I can only hope.

 

Bonnie McCune is a writer and has published several novels as well as other work. Reach her at www.BonnieMcCune.com.

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