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Humor May 2013

Ernie's World

I Can See Clearly Now the Pain is Gone...

By Ernie Witham

Speaking of healing, I'm also looking forward to getting back into my rigorous exercise routine. Yesterday I did a sit-up and it felt great. "The only reason you sat up was because you heard the refrigerator open." Risk and reward. That's what it's all about.

Now that I have made and broken all my usual resolutions, it's time to ease into what I think is going to be a great year.

For one thing, I've started golfing again this spring. I missed most of 2012 because of an injured rotator cuff, but I'm on the mend now. My shoulder is almost as good as...

"Dear? Can you help me move the couch and hang some pictures?"

"Wish I could, but, you know, my rotator cuff and all."

"But it's okay for golf?"

"Doc's orders. Part of my ongoing therapy." It's great having a friend nicknamed Doc.

And I think taking eight or nine months off might have been good for my game.

"Fore!"

"Dude, you just missed the cart girl."

"Wow, she's like 300 yards away!"

"True, but that's 300 yards behind us."

"So do I deduct a stroke for a shot for that?"

Speaking of healing, I'm also looking forward to getting back into my rigorous exercise routine. Yesterday I did a sit-up and it felt great.

"The only reason you sat up was because you heard the refrigerator open."

Risk and reward. That's what it's all about.

I have other things to look forward to this year. I'm attending an intensive writers retreat in Avila Beach, California, with a bunch of dedicated and motivated writers that I've known for years now.

"Your turn to bring the keg, Moose."

"Wish I could, Roc, but, you know, my rotator cuff and all."

I hope during this retreat to finish a rewrite on my novel, a rewrite on my screenplay, start and finish my memoir and, time permitting, write the definitive volume on the craft of humor writing.

"All that in one week?"

"Actually, I'm taking a wine appreciation class for two days, a surf lesson another day, plus of course mud bath day."

"That does sound intensive."

"I know, right?"

It will be great to finish all those big projects just in time for the 2013 Santa Barbara Writers Conference in June. Not only will it be fun to reconnect with the other workshop leaders and all the students who crowded into my often-overfilled humor workshop...

"The day I was there I only saw three people. And one of them worked at the hotel."

"You must have walked in late, Dude. After the hordes who just couldn't stop laughing at all my jokes had to leave to catch their breath."

I also met several agents at the conference last year whom I think might remember me.

"It's way beyond your turn to pick up the tab, Witham."

"Wish I could, but, you know, my rotator cuff and all."

Another thing on the horizon for 2013... my wife and I are planning a trip. We just joined an international house-swapping group and there is a lot of interest in Santa Barbara. We've been getting emails from all over the world.

"Wow, someone in the Sahara wants to change homes in July. Says it’s off season, so it shouldn't be too crowded then."

"I was thinking of somewhere a bit cooler."

"Here's one from Siberia for an exchange in December. Says the swimming pool comes with a power auger for easy access."

"I was thinking about the big island of Hawaii."

"Hawaii? Cool, maybe we could visit an active volcano. People often say my writing flows like lava."

"Before or after it hardens?"

The other big event this year, which I'm sure my wife thinks I have forgotten about, is our 23rd anniversary in September."

"Ah, try 26th and it's in August."

"Really? Wow time flies huh?"

"It's longer for some of us than others."

I'm sure there will be lots of other things come up this year. Maybe I'll finally win the lottery and buy a car made in this century. Or maybe Oprah will call and want me to produce and direct a show for her fall lineup on O TV. Or maybe James Cameron will see me on YouTube and offer me a starring role in the next Avatar movie. I think I'd look good in three-D.

"If you can be an action hero, then I think you can help me hang those pictures."

"Right, Dear -- as soon as I finish icing my shoulder. Did I mention my rotator cuff?"

 

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