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Humor March 2013

Ernie's World

Another Day in Suburbia

By Ernie Witham

Unfortunately, there was so much stuff currently residing in our garage it would be impossible to even fit a 12-year-old Chinese gymnast in there  –  which is too bad really because she could have probably helped read the instructions.

Old joke: "What's Irish and sits in your backyard?"

Answer: "Paddy O'Furniture."

What's that?" I asked the guy at the pickup area behind Orchard Supply & Hardware.

"Patio furniture."

"But we bought a set that includes two chairs, a couch, and a coffee table."

"Right," he said. "The Sienna." Then he forklifted a single cardboard box that barely fit into the back of my Ford Escape. I watched as the rear end of the SUV sunk under the weight. "Have a nice day."

I was halfway home when several thoughts crossed my mind. One, we don't own a forklift. Two, the last time I had to assembly something I told myself that was the last time I was going to assemble anything. And three, today was the day we were supposed to clean out the garage to make room for my granddaughter.

My granddaughter Ashley was moving to Los Angeles. There was one month between moving out of her current Santa Barbara apartment and moving into her new one. Therefore, she -- and the entire contents of her apartment – would be spending a month with us. Unfortunately, there was so much stuff currently residing in our garage it would be impossible to even fit a 12-year-old Chinese gymnast in there – which is too bad really because she could have probably helped read the instructions.

The plan was to "reorganize" the garage after I picked up the patio set, which I assumed would look more like furniture and less like an air-conditioning unit.

After 15 minutes of prying, tearing, cutting and cursing, I finally got the box open inside the Escape and began pulling arms, legs, cushions and hardware out and putting it in the driveway. As soon as I had it all done, my wife showed up.

"Need help?"

"Thirty minutes ago. Where were you?"

"In the shower."

"Probably should have waited until we were done."

"Actually, I'm giving a docent tour at Lotusland this morning."

"What about the garage?"

"We can work on that this afternoon," she said cheerily. "After you build the new furniture."

She pulled the now empty box out of the Escape, closed the hatch and said: "See you in a few hours," and drove away.

I moved everything to the backyard and found a set of instructions. The first line said: "Assembly is easier with two people."

I tore the plastic – which was made to withstand a tactical air strike – off all the pieces. As soon as that was done, I felt a drop, then another. "Surprise shower," they would call it tonight on the local news -- gleefully.

I carried all the pieces into the house, cleared off the dining room table and made a quick discovery. None of the pieces were marked with anything helpful like right, left or top, bottom. But I quickly figured it out – by putting the first chair together wrong. I thought about telling my wife that having the cushion on the underside of the chair would protect it from the elements, but I wasn't sure that would fly.

So, three hours, two skinned knuckles, and one general tirade against the entire patio-furniture-making establishment, and I was done. I took the finished pieces out to the patio, set them up and then relaxed on the brand new couch. It was warm after the brief rain. I closed my eyes. Ahh.

"Ahh, looks beautiful. Ready for the garage?" My wife asked all chipper like.

"No."

"I understand. You need a break before tackling something like that."

"You know it." I closed my eyes again.

"So let's do the other stuff first."

I opened one eye. "Other stuff?"

"We have to move those huge potted ferns – I borrowed a dolly to make it easier for you because they need to go all the way around the outside of the complex to the front yard. Then we need to set up the new water feature. I'm guessing we'll need to bury the extension cord so no one trips over it. May need a pickaxe. Plus, we need to put another coat of sealer on the new stepping stones, and a coat of marine varnish on the new shelves."

"Can we go to lunch first?"

"Sure! Where do you want to go?"

"Ireland." I leaned back on Paddy O'Furniture.

 

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