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Humor February 2013

Ernie's World

Super Birthday Bowl Day

By Ernie Witham

"That's right, Dear! Because you are about to be treated to a full day of uninterrupted football! You'll enjoy all the passes, clashes and smashes. Instant replays of near-death injuries from three-dozen different camera angles including a new view this year from the space station.

I seem to remember a few years (decades?) ago the Super Bowl was played in January. That worked for me. Other than bowling, golf, hockey, basketball, soccer, NASCAR, and professional poker, there was not much else on TV in January anyway, so I would usually watch the game even if I had no interest in the two teams playing.

"Carolina versus Tennessee? Bring it."

If it was one of those blow-outs, where a team scores two touchdowns and a field goal while the other team is still trying to squeeze into their football pants, then I would mute it during the actual game and use this time to grab another beer or evacuate the previous one, rushing back in time for the commercials to find out which light beer is less filling than the others and enables you to go home with the gorgeous female bartender. Or to see whether one of the cavemen from the Geico commercials will ever get to step on the annoying Geico gecko. Maybe this year they'll even have the talking babies do a Viagra commercial.

"Is that your great-grandfather?"

"Nope, that's Dad."

Apparently, though, January wasn't as perfect for the pro football league as it was for me, because now they have extended the season and the Super Bowl is held in February. To make matters worse, this year the game is being played on my wife's birthday. Do you know how hard a sell that is?!

"Happy Birthday, Dear."

"What's this?" She held up a huge Pyrex bowl.

"Your gift!"

"But, this is my bowl, from the kitchen."

"True, but picture it sitting on your lap full of freshly micro-waved popcorn."

"Popcorn?"

"That's right, Dear! Because you are about to be treated to a full day of uninterrupted football! You'll enjoy all the passes, clashes and smashes. Instant replays of near-death injuries from three-dozen different camera angles including a new view this year from the space station. All this from the comfort of your own living room, including imported -- yes imported -- beer, huge fatty meat and stinky cheese sandwiches, every imaginable kind of snack chip known to mankind, and of course noisemakers!"

I leaned in for a kiss. "Do I detect a lack of enthusiasm?" I asked, my voice echoing from the huge Pyrex bowl now covering my face.

Obviously I have to sweeten the pot (or maybe put a little in the popcorn), but I'm writing this before the game so I still have two days to pitch it.

Maybe I'll take a crash course from those people who sell Herbalife products or Mary Kay. Of course, even if I solve this year's dilemma, it's probably going to get worse. I'm waiting for the next expansion when they move game day to Valentine's Day. Can you imagine trying to spin that one?

"Hi Love, I thought we'd go out for an early Valentine's dinner. Say about three p.m.? I was thinking how romantic a place Big Earl's Sports Grill and Billiard Emporium is. Remember we had lunch there once and you remarked how fresh the sawdust on the floor looked? This year they are serving heart-shaped potato skins with red-dyed baco-bits and they are hanging crepe paper around all 47 mega-screen televisions. Plus there is a dart tournament and the winner gets a free night's stay in the room above the bar on a night when they have a heavy-metal band and everything!"

I'd suggest getting a romantic Valentine's Day card to go along with this idea. Maybe one that could also re-gifted as a "hope-the-swelling-goes-done-soon" sympathy card.

Oh well, maybe by the time they get to Super Bowl LXX they will have expanded the season all the way into July and it will fall on my birthday.

Of course I'll be an octogenarian, TVs will be holograms, and the special effects will allow you to create your own avatar and feel the hits as if you were actually the quarterback getting pummeled by a 350-pound lineman.

"How can you watch this violence year after year?"

"I want to see if the recently added Puerto Rican Rum Makers can beat Newt Gingrich's new team from Moon Base One. Plus, I'm waiting for someone to step on that annoying Geico gecko."

 

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