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Humor October 2015

The Grumpy Old Man

Grumpy Reunites with his Father-in-law

By Don Rizzo

I expected an exotic, mysterious phantom-like creature in flowing robes. In walks a pleasant woman with reddish hair and freckles in a very ordinary dress. Hmmm — obviously she wouldn't be relying on theatrics to mesmerize us.

Most wives drag their husbands out shopping. Mine drags me into the world of spirits.     

Not long ago, the beautiful and talented Diane was invited to participate in a seance.  Through clever manipulation, she convinced me to go along strictly as a disinterested observer. Not that I would tread on the toes of the mystics among us – I'm a firm believer that people should be free to believe whatever they want, as long as it doesn't interfere with or hurt others. But, personally, I've always been very skeptical of people who say they commune with the deceased; maybe because history has given us so many charlatans in that arena.

However, one shouldn't be totally dismissive. Recently, astrophysicists discovered that the universe was not slowly collapsing as scientific theory had long predicted. Rather, it is expanding, with all the stars, planets, nebulae, black holes, etc. flying farther and farther apart.

Hmmm, what's up with that? Ah ha, the scientists said. "We'll call it ‘dark energy,’ a newly discovered phenomenon."

Why are they calling it dark energy? Because they have no idea what the heck it is but that's way too embarrassing for a PhD in astrophysics to ever admit. So by giving it a name, when asked, they can say "Why, it's dark energy, of course." So much more erudite than "We have no idea what's going on out there."

The point: there are still wonderful mysteries we don't understand. Or, as Hamlet said, "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

With that thought in mind, off we went to the "spiritual center" to meet the medium. About eight ladies and I are ushered into a drab, nondescript room. To the best of my knowledge, none of them had met or spoken to the medium. Certainly, we hadn't. She enters. I expected an exotic, mysterious phantom-like creature in flowing robes. In walks a pleasant woman with reddish hair and freckles in a very ordinary dress. Hmmm — obviously she wouldn't be relying on theatrics to mesmerize us.

Finally the medium was ready to see who was lurking in the ether and eager to chat with Diane. I was hoping it would be her mother, who always thought I was wonderful. The medium closes her eyes. "There's some noise, here," she intoned. "There's a man demanding to be heard."

(Uh oh – hope it's not an ex-boyfriend). "Hmmm, he's pushing his way ahead of some others," she intones.

"Do you own a bar?" she asks Diane. "He says you're spending to much on your Club.”

"Oh no!" I groan to myself. "It's my father-in-law, Victor. He's outing me for my golf and bar tab."

Once when he was actually with us, he took one look at our new BMW and warned me that if we kept spending, "One day you'll be living in that car."

Victor was a young man back during the Depression. He rode the rails to find work. It made him, let's say, hyper-cautious.

The medium continued; "You have too many dangerous investments!" (i.e: money not in a bank savings account.)

Some of the ladies gasped. No other spirit had been so critical of their loved ones. The spirit was offended. "Hey," he said, "I'm a nice guy! I'll have a drink with the best of em."

Ah yes, I can attest to the truth of that message.

Then he said, "by the way, the dog is here. I couldn't stand him, I know, but now I walk with him a lot."

Wow!

Wow! This was getting too scary for me. All this stuff is specific and accurate. Whoever this medium had channeled was too much like my father-in law for comfort. I'm outta here. I skulked out the side door to wait for Diane. Although he scared me off, there was something really comforting about thinking that Victor was still himself out there somewhere. Still looking to protect me from my own profligate foolishness. All is well.

Upon reflection, I don't really believe we can commune with the other side. When I figure out another plausible explanation for what happened at the seance, I'll let you know.

 

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