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Humor September 2015

Ernie's World

Signs of the Times

By Ernie Witham

A lot of them were in pairs as it was mating season. I'm not sure how alligators mate or whether male alligators have clever sayings like us guys. "Hey, nice tail. How 'bout you and I make a little luggage?"

Some signs seem superfluous.

"Thin Ice. No large people."

"Keep heads inside train when going through tunnels."

"No stand-up on zoo fences. Laughing hyenas do not like one-liners."

Still, the fact they had a really large "Feed Alligators Get Arrested" signs in both English and Spanish must mean people do it. Often.

"Hey Lefty, whatcha in for?"

"Giving the local fauna a pastrami on rye."

We were on the Turner River Road off the Tamiami Trail just outside of Everglades City. Located at the western end of the Tamiami Trail, Everglades City, Florida, was built to house the workers who built the road that cuts across the Everglades, allowing visitors like Bob, Sally, my wife and I to experience the raw beauty of nature.

The "city" is not only small with a population of 400 (404 today, counting us), but has the feeling of a military base, with all the straight, flat roads and monster trucks. It covers a total of 1.2 square miles, .9 of which are water.

Interestingly, during the 1970s and ‘80s, it was a hub for marijuana smuggling. Smugglers were obviously taking advantage of the mangroves to hide out from the law, relax and listen to psychedelic music, and eat local fish when they got the munchies – like we had done at the Camellia Street Grill.

Earlier in the day we had gone on an airboat ride through the mangroves. At the check-in desk they told us we might see some wildlife like manatees, ospreys, and of course alligators. But I was a bit skeptical when the pilot gave us these humungous, noise-deadening headphones. Not just for the loudness of the huge gas-powered fan that sounded like ten Corvettes without mufflers, but also because of the other unnatural sounds.

"You're screaming again," my wife yelled.

"Ahhhhhh... what, oh sorry... ahhhhhh."

Mangroves are often called walking trees because they keep sending out new roots, which then collect anything that floats by, creating larger and larger islands and narrower and narrower channels, which we were whipping through at high speed. They can also collect things that fall out of an airboat. "Please keep seated with your hands and camera inside the airboat at all times," the pilot reminded me.

"What are you taking photos of anyway?" my wife yelled. "There are no animals or birds."

"I thought it would be nice to get a photo of an old drug smuggler who doesn't realize no one is coming for him. Or maybe a nice shot of the mangrove branch that knocked me out – you know, for the kids."

We survived the airboat ride and managed to comb our hair from our necks back onto the tops of our heads. And to spit out several dozen tiny bugs called "no-see-ums." My wife mentioned the fact that we hadn't seen any alligators to the lady at the check-in desk. She told us how to get to Turner River Road.

"Just look in the canal on the right hand side," she told us.

"I hope the fence is short enough to shoot over," I said to my wife. Turns out that wasn't a problem. The only thing separating the alligators from people in the Everglades seems to be desire. Or maybe we give them gas.

There were some sad-looking gators right below the sign. One of them was looking up at it as if thinking... "You know, guys, if we all climbed on each other's back and made a pyramid, the top gator could chew off the words 'Get Arrested' so it just reads 'Feed Alligators.' Whataya think?"

Sally, my wife and I drove quite a ways up Turner River Road and spotted dozens of alligators. A lot of them were in pairs as it was mating season. I'm not sure how alligators mate or whether male alligators have clever sayings like us guys.

"Hey, nice tail. How 'bout you and I make a little luggage?"

There is one more sign, though, they should probably put up in the Glades: "No selfies with the alligators." I can't tell you how many people I saw standing on the banks, edging closer and closer to a prehistoric log with teeth for that once-in-a-lifetime photo.

"Hey Stumpy, whataya in for?"

"Feeding an iWatch to a gator."

 

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