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Humor October 2014

Ernie's World

Tunnel Vision

By Ernie Witham

"Wait! Don't press the back button... Well, guess we have to start over. Put in your name, address, Reader ID..." It took several more tries and at one point I told him it took less time to write the book, but somehow I finally ordered it.

I've often wondered about rodents. How come they never get lost burrowing underground?

"We're not lost," my wife said.

"You sure?" I looked down the long tunnel that we were the only ones using. "I think I just saw a sign for Miami."

"All the government buildings around the United States Capitol are connected," they told us cheerfully. "You just have to follow the tunnel." Everyone is very friendly in Washington D.C. I think it's because they know they are never going to see you again.

"We're almost there," the lead gopher, er, my wife said.

"You said that hours ago."

"It's only been a few minutes.”

Time has no meaning when you are in the Twilight Zone.

We started at the Library of Congress. It's architecturally beautiful, as are all the Washington D.C. government buildings. I took a ton of photos. Then I saw a line of people, so I got in it.

"Where we going?" I asked the guy in front of me.

"Reading Room."

"Cool!"

"Do you have a reader card?"

"Ah, no, but I have Discover."

That's when I found out you can read any book in the Library of Congress, including my books! We went to the information kiosk to find out how to get a reader card. They sent us to the Monroe Building where we were interviewed, had our photos taken, and finally got our cards. Then they told us about the tunnel. "You won't need to go through security again." That meant I wouldn't have to take off my belt so no wisecracking kid could make fun of my patriotic briefs when my pants fall down.

"We should have left a trail of crumbs so we could find our way back."

"They probably would have kicked us out for littering."

"Who they? We are the only ones down here."

"Can I help?" There was a young woman wearing a Library of Congress badge sitting in a chair. Had she just materialized? I waited for Captain Kirk to appear. She told us to take the elevator that was around the corner. We did. And there in all its glory was the Reading Room.

"Yay!"

"Sorry. You can't take anything into the Reading Room," the guard told us. "You have to check your bags at the kiosk." She pointed at the elevator that led back to the catacombs.

"Maybe we can just say we went into the Reading Room," I suggested. "We can buy a postcard and I can Photoshop myself into it."

My wife got on the elevator. I hesitated, but I wasn't sure the guard would take me home and take care of me, so I followed my wife. And, after just a few more days in the tunnels, we found the kiosk, checked our stuff, found the elevator and made our way back to the guard.

"You have to order the book from the research room first," the guard told us.

Was this guard humor? Did they all get together after work and tally how many people they had lost over the course of the day?

Fortunately, the research room was right across the hall. And a nice young man helped me figure out the computer system.

"Wait! Don't press the back button... Well, guess we have to start over. Put in your name, address, Reader ID..." It took several more tries and at one point I told him it took less time to write the book, but somehow I finally ordered it. Then we went across the hall into the Reading Room.

"It's going to take an hour to retrieve your book," another employee informed us. "Maybe you want to go have lunch? Come back later?"

Definitely Library of Congress guard humor.

By now, my wife was a tunnel expert and she found the kiosk, got our stuff, we left the building and had a light repast of Nathan's hot dogs and lemonade. Then we re-checked our stuff, tunneled our way back to the Library and lo and behold, they handed me the official Library of Congress copy of Ernie's World the Book!

My wife took some photos of me with her iPhone then I turned it back in, so millions of other readers could enjoy it.

If they ever make it out of the tunnels.   

 

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