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November 2019

Finishing the Marathon Just 2 Runners Below ... the Full Roster of Participants, That Is

As I limped toward the towering, ornate finish line, workers were tearing it down. My wife ran up to help me across, but one of the workers told her to let me finish on my own. My time was 7:10:21, a mere 5 hours and 7 minutes off the world record.

* * * * *

A police officer walked over to me and said, "The belly dancers under the bridge have bananas." I'd never heard those words strung together in a sentence before and looked at him like he was crazy. But under an overpass about 50 yards ahead, jiggling dancers were handing out cramp-killing bananas.


That's Not Funny – Or Is It?

On the third or fourth step, the bottom of the casket broke loose. Out dropped Agnes, hitting the steps before rolling down onto the sidewalk below. Needless to say, but worth mentioning anyway, the woman's family and friends witnessed the entire disaster and shrieked in horror.

September 2019
Alive and Kidding

Debunking Some Old Wives' Tales

False. The caffeine in coffee will help perk you up, but it won't reduce the amount of alcohol in your body. So, in essence, coffee will just make you a more wide-awake drunk.

Levine's Levity

Breaking Away (From The Kiddie Lane)

I maximize my aerobic intake by always pedaling in the highest gear, so after 8 laps (6.85 miles) I have completed a good workout in an economical 40 minutes. A real bike tour on the open road would burn a lot fewer calories and take more time, I reassure myself.

Social Insecurity

Call of the Wild Is Turning into a Whisper

I learned a long time ago to be leery when I pull into a campsite which, at first glance, appears to be perfect...If you soon notice hovering outside the windshield a cloud of mosquitoes wearing tiny bibs and slobbering like Pavlov’s dog, you might want to reconsider that particular spot.


The Price Is Wrong

The other night, I jotted down every single detail that caught Mary Ellen’s eye, every item and home improvement on other people’s houses that she fancied as possibilities for our place. Then I did a quick online search for approximate costs. Your prices may vary.

July 2019
Ernie's World

Workout Blues

Navigating the gym can be a bit a workout all by itself. My gym has a giant speaker that hangs over many of the machines,
which, yes, before you ask, I do start up. Some days they play
nondescript music at a reasonable level and I can still read my book. Other days they play music at a level that makes dogs howl three blocks away.


Stand Up Guy

We both got down on the rug in a sitting position, which for me was already way harder than I remembered. We squirmed, rolled around on the floor, grunted, banged into each other, and started laughing (which is good for your heart, so we accomplished something).

May 2019
Dear Pharmacist

New and Novel Ways to Treat Diabetes

Statin cholesterol medications can easily predispose a person to developing diabetes. After a few months or years, you suddenly need to take medications for diabetes...there are dozens of prescription and over-the-counter medications which negatively impact your blood glucose levels, glycation end products and overall insulin sensitivity.

Eat Right Now

Nourishing, Magical, Curative Mushrooms

The family of edible fungus holds vitamins A, C, B-complex, D, phosphorous, magnesium, iron, protein, and copper. The potassium in shiitake and maitake mushrooms relaxes blood vessels, hence, reducing blood pressure. Packed with fiber, mushrooms improve digestion, lower blood sugars, and fill you up quicker.

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