What Is an “Un-cope-able” Parent?
I was the only child of excruciating parents for over five decades. I even coined the term to denote impossible behaviors endured as my obstinate father’s health declined until his passing, just short of 90 in August 2012.
Whereas a cooperative parent willingly engages in action planning to co-create what will become their last chapter of life, a belligerent senior refuses any such reasonable conversation! As such, you will recognize yourself in my journey if you have ever:
Met unquantifiable resistance in merely hinting your headstrong folks leave their decades-old residence;
Battled vocally over suggesting in-home caregivers to your defiant duo, in light of their growing inability to perform basic daily tasks;
Served up your total human capacity without coming close to filling unappreciative relatives’ bottomless pits.
You’re in a ‘Sandwich’
As a maturing boomer, you regularly contend with multiple competing priorities. You’re split between caring for your elderly mother and/or father (including possibly in-laws), balancing a job or self-employment, spouse or significant other, children, grandchildren, home and/or care maintenance, your health and tons more. At 55, don’t I know it! Often, you’re downright exhausted.
Depending upon your age, your own grown children strive to involve you in meaningful discussions to ensure you live safely, independently and with dignity as long as possible. You, the oldest members of our society, deserve to proudly celebrate your myriad accomplishments.
At the same time – given lengthening life spans – a significant portion of aging populations in North America and the world over must be ready to confront some difficult plus courageous conversations regarding eldercare. This burgeoning crisis only shows signs of growing worse before even remotely becoming better.
3 Tips for Boomers
Believe me, no stone remains unturned in the A to Z tactics I’ve succeeded and miserably failed at. No victory arrived easily with my pig-headed pair! Today, their unapologetic defiance translates into these unconventional solutions with wide-ranging benefits.
3 Tips for Seniors
Please understand. Your adult children seek to foster compassionate interactions. Most days, their load is crushing. They feel like soggy middles in a burnt (out) triple-decker grilled cheese. And, that’s no bologna!
- Express appreciation. Eldercare is a two-way street. What if you expressed gratitude for their positive intentions? Impatience incites crankiness whereas kindness raises collaboration.
- QTIP stands for Quit Taking It Personally. Your “kids” need to get that your knee-jerk reactions are founded upon fear. The unknown beckons. Sometimes, your glory-day stories represent all that’s left from your youth. Can they please let you enjoy them?
- Trust the process. Instead of “psyching up” to be with you, I urge your baby boomer family members to persevere. You know the big picture of your life’s plan, whereas they don’t always. Like my father, you will be open to support when you’re ready – and not a moment sooner!
Please Accept My Parting Encouragements.
After all is said and done, here’s what aging boomers and the truly elderly have in common: Beneath the surface turmoil, you wish to rest in tranquility. You yearn to call forth shared benevolent effort so the best for everyone concerned is attained.
Either way, senior care is a draining marathon. At the anguished height of my father’s unremitting negativity, I doubted my very survival. Yet, I prevailed.
I long for each of you to benefit from my painfully earned lessons so you’re saved unnecessary agony. You have my earnest empathy and unbridled support.
Carol-Ann Hamilton is a transformational coach, speaker and author of the recently published,"Coping with Un-cope-able Parents: LOVING ACTION for Eldercare." You can reach her at www.CarolAnnHamilton.com.