Meet our writers

 







Advice & More November 2016

Ask Miss Nora

Too Many Cooks

Inform your spoiled brat husband that it is a big deal to be undermined in your own home and ask that he support your wishes or he’ll be welcome to put his foot, laundry and all other possessions back down at his mother’s house.

Dear Miss Nora: My mother-in-law came to stay with my husband and me for a week after I’d had minor surgery. While I was initially grateful to her for the help, I feel she is now taking advantage of having been here for the day-to-day routines because, although she’s no longer staying with us, she still critiques and criticizes my every move.

My husband was a long-time bachelor before we met and married, and I fear his mother resents my intrusion into their comfortable lives. I understand that she might need some time to adjust. but her constant interfering and telling me how to do things “properly” is driving me batty!

Last week she even came over with a casserole for us two nights after I’d served the same thing – because, “my husband prefers her cooking.” I confess, I had quite a temper tantrum over that insult. But the last straw came about when my mother-in-law told my husband that he needs to “put his foot down” about how things are done around here.

We are both in our 60s and otherwise very happy. I understand that my husband’s mother is elderly and got used to having her son all to herself and is having trouble adjusting to our relationship, let alone new boundaries, but am I being ungrateful or too insensitive to expect that she allows me to run my own household? When I speak to my husband about it he says it’s not a big deal and to just humor her as he used to and let her think she’s helping. But she’s not just helping, she’s insulting and controlling. How do I put her in her place?

— Dejected in Denver


Dear Dejected:
Having had the worst mother-in-law possible I always sympathize with predicaments such as yours. However, I’m certain that your difficulties are just a confusion of boundaries. Everything is not lost – you have a few arrows in your quiver.

In this case, as with most family situations, honesty is the best policy. For some, the honesty comes in the form of a mere mention of the discrepancy and a polite request for respect.

But, as in my case, sometimes honesty comes in the form of a brick upside the head (and even then, it didn’t always do the trick)!

My advice is to start out calmly but forthright. Don’t wait for a disagreement or an insult.

Choose a time to talk when you’re at peace. Let your MiL (mother in law) know that you were grateful for her support while you convalesced but that the invitation to help was not intended as everlasting permission to intrude into your home life. Ask that she respect your need to run your household the way you choose to and to keep her discouraging remarks to herself – unless of course, she’d like you to express all of your disapprovals of her as you see fit. Console her that you also love her son and want to make him happy.

Saying that, inform your spoiled brat husband that it is a big deal to be undermined in your own home and ask that he support your wishes or he’ll be welcome to put his foot, laundry and all other possessions back down at his mother’s house. There’s fewer things in this world less useless than a mama’s boy.

To finish, I get the feeling that your MiL is in need of being needed. So perhaps you could set a day aside to have her over, perhaps occasionally ask that she bring dinner or ask for her world-famous recipes as a way of compromise. Perhaps start a tradition where one day in the week you all go out, sightseeing, movies… whatever activity you have in common.

Regardless of what time you make for her or how you invite her to participate, be firm on your boundaries and hold your MiL to the agreement that she must respect your wishes.

I’m confident you’ll see a change in your relationship. Although, the one time I asked my MiL to stop being so … “her” about everything, she went on a melodramatic and over-exaggerated tirade and accused me of hating her.

For a split second I thought I’d been thinking out loud again!

 

Nora will take requests for advice through email: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.


Meet Miss Nora