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December 2015
Ernie's World

Mo' Better Golf

I checked to see if they have any golf courses in the California desert. I don't know if you know this or not, but they have hundreds of them! The first explorers of the Coachella Valley (Lewis and Clark? Palmer and Nicklaus?) must have found every grassy spot available and run around sticking flags in them.

November 2015

Revenge of the Nerd

We had this idea for an arcade with all kinds of video games and dancing and food and our slogan would be “For Loners, Losers and Lovers.” We were sure the word “lovers” would bring in lots of kids like us (hopeful nerds).

Ernie's World

Simple Is as Simple Does

The water was so clear and the fan coral was gently swaying in the current. I aimed right at it, pressed the shutter release and... nothing happened. I pressed it again and again. Nothing. I threw the camera as far as I could, which wasn't far considering it was attached to my wrist.

Ernie's World

TV or Not TV? That Is the Question

This year, the retail industry decided to expand Black Friday. It started with Off-white Wednesday, then Gray Thursday, Black Friday and Olive Saturday. By then I’d lost so many golf balls in the little lake that the ducks began throwing them back at me. So, when Silver-Lining Sunday came along, I figured “What the hell” I’d better buy something.


Cable Blues

The agent put Keegan on hold for 40 minutes (although he said it would just be a moment), which made me feel better: every endless second we waited, I was more assured this was a real cable company.

October 2015
The Hippocratic Oaf

Who Gets the Most Mail -- Seniors or Seniors?

You see, these colleges are interested in these young students’ intellect (tuition money) and insurance carriers are interested in seniors’ well-being (premiums), both exceeding thousands of dollars per year, for multiple years.

Social Insecurity

Shorten Your Life - Have an Affair

Despite my current midlife crisis — midlife in the sense that scientists predict someday humans will live to be 120 — I’ve never considered registering on the extramarital affair website.

The Grumpy Old Man

Grumpy Reunites with his Father-in-law

I expected an exotic, mysterious phantom-like creature in flowing robes. In walks a pleasant woman with reddish hair and freckles in a very ordinary dress. Hmmm — obviously she wouldn't be relying on theatrics to mesmerize us.


Kitchen Cabinets!

Well, in the first place, Dick, I had to convince you to agree to the renovation. Then I worked with the designers all spring while you played golf, and this week, without your help, I put everything back in the new cabinets.

September 2015
The Old Gal

Live Love Laugh … Link!

Even something as straightforward as potty training is no longer the “sit here and do that” affair it used to be (for adults or children) because potties now come equipped with iPad holders, lest junior can’t be persuaded to give up the computer long enough to learn how to give up the diaper!

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