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January 2016
The Hippocratic Oaf

Are Your Grandchildren Drugged? Hey, Your Grandparents Did the Same Thing!

Finally, in 1910, the New York Times decided the whole narcotic-babysitter concept was probably bad in the long run, and ran an article pointing out that these soothing syrups contained, "...morphine sulfate, chloroform, morphine hydrochloride, codeine, heroin, powdered opium, cannabis indica," and sometimes several of them in combination.

The Grumpy Old Man

Grumpy Goes Fly Fishing

Trout are extremely intelligent. Their priorities are eating, resting and reproducing. In fact, that's their entire agenda. If that's not proof of intelligence I don't know what is.


‘Sick’ Humor

I quickly learned that it isn’t wise to make a nurse laugh when she is about to insert needles into my body. I made this error before my first chemo infusion and had to wait until she literally stopped shaking from laughter. From then on, I held my quips until all needles were in proper places.

Ernie's World

Big Island. Big Worries.

There was a section on sharks that warned not to swim in murky water at dawn or dusk. That didn't seem to be a big concern. At dawn I'm sleeping and at dusk I'm drinking.


Enjoying a Little Guinness

The oldest divorce in history was between two people in England, both over 90 years old. Said the unhappy couple, "We were waiting for the kids to die."

December 2015

Every Christmas Present was Gone… Stolen!

As I stood there with my mouth hanging open I wondered, how had we slept through this? Why hadn’t Mercy alerted us to intruders? Suddenly I had a horrible thought. Had they somehow taken my beloved dog? Lured her with treats?

Laverne's View

Flaws I'm Forced to Accept

I was shocked to see mothers weeping and hanging onto their youngster's shirt tails, unable to say goodbye. It was then that I knew something was seriously wrong with me. All I felt was pure, unadulterated glee, as I bounced up and down, waved pom poms and cheered:  "Hip, hip, hooray! Children goin' away. Soon as she gets outta' here, Mama's gonna play."

Social Insecurity

I’m Beginning to Look a Lot like a Christmas Tree

I believe that one even has to question the sanity of eating some of the classic Christmas fare. Would we actually eat a lot of this stuff if it wasn’t for some spirit-of-the-season obligation? Can you see yourself sitting down to an eggnog shake and a dish of divinity on a stifling hot July afternoon?

The Grumpy Old Man

Grumpy Celebrates ‘Mature’ Accomplishments

What this proves is that people over 65 are desperate for attention and should be carefully watched because they tend to try ridiculous stunts for no good reason. (My golf shots are a good example of that phenomenon.)

The Grumpy Old Man

Grumpy's ‘No Presents’ Christmas

I wheeled the old lady into the doorway of one particularly frisky‑looking party, just to say hi. Everyone looked up. Suddenly, Connie said in a loud voice, "anybody know where there's a steep flight of stairs? My son-in-law here wants to give me a one‑way ride down em!"

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