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Humor July 2013

Laverne's View

This Year, I’m Cancelling August

By Laverne Bardy

He said that if my gums were healthy they would not bleed. I was dying to try that same test on him to challenge his theory but never got the opportunity. He scheduled an appointment for me to come in for surgery and handed me a bill for $955 which I signed using the blood that was dripping from my mouth.

Life turned slightly sour last summer, when we returned from a lovely weekend visit with my son and his family in Connecticut. Suitcase still in hand, we walked into our kitchen and stepped into a puddle in front of the refrigerator. Uh oh. Upon further investigation we saw that frozen foods had turned to mush and milk didn’t smell that great. Even though the motor was running, whatever it is that makes a refrigerator cold, had died.

We had no choice but to rush out and buy a refrigerator. After comparison shopping at Sears, Lowe’s and Home Depot we decided on a bottom freezer refrigerator, called French Door. It cost a fortune but we could have it delivered immediately.

* * *

I care for three feral cats. I had them spayed and they thank me by allowing me to feed them. I have no idea how, but one cat, Midnight, broke her foot. It took nearly two weeks to trap her and bring her to the vet, who told us nothing could be done because she’s an outdoor cat. She gave Midnight a shot for pain and handed her back to us, along with a bill for $400.

This would have been painful in and of itself but on the way to get Midnight we drove over a huge lug nut, that punctured a hole the size of Rhode Island in our brand new expensive Michelin tire. Replacement and labor added up to $230.

* * *

We were still in the first week of August when I walked downstairs and spotted a puddle. I thought about hanging out a sign, Puddles Are Us. This time it was our hot water heater. $500 later we had a new one.

Right about this time Mighty Marc and I looked at each other with the same idea. “Maybe we should cancel our September 9th vacation at a Canadian resort.” This we thought was a good idea for two reasons: We weren’t sure we could trust our luck and weren’t sure we had the right to spend the money.

Several days later I went to the dentist for a routine checkup. My teeth were not bothering me at all but I know good oral hygiene is important. The dentist, my ex-husband, said my teeth were in good health................. “Oh, wait, there’s a little pocket here that should be looked at by a periodontist.” Fortunately, there was a periodontist right next door, who rushed over, poked a sharp instrument hard and deep into my gums and made them bleed. He then reported that my gums were bleeding. I knew he was telling the truth because I could taste blood running down my throat. He said that if my gums were healthy they would not bleed. I was dying to try that same test on him to challenge his theory but never got the opportunity. He scheduled an appointment for me to come in for surgery and handed me a bill for $955 which I signed using the blood that was dripping from my mouth.

* * *

I went to fill a prescription for an inhaler I had been using for 20 years and discovered it has been discontinued. But, I could have another one, to replace it for a mere $142 for a 30-day supply, which was triple what my other inhaler cost.

Mighty Marc and I not only cancelled our Canadian vacation, we mapped out a plan where we only eat on alternate days.

This year, I’m cancelling August.

 

Laverne's book, "How The (Bleep) Did I Get This Old?" is available at amazon.com and other online bookstores. Website: www.lavernebardy.com - E-mail her at: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

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