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Humor July 2013

Strictly Humor

No News Is Better News

By B. Elwin Sherman

Because so much of today’s real news presents as too strange or outrageous to be true, it’s made this humor columnist’s lot nearly impossible. It’s hard to make something serious funny (my job), when it’s already funny without any help from me.

 

Minnesota Fats once said: “I don’t have to exaggerate; ain’t nobody gonna believe it, anyhow.”

Because there are so many “satirical” news sites out there spoofing the news, and because so much of today’s real news presents as too strange or outrageous to be true, it’s made this humor columnist’s lot nearly impossible. It’s hard to make something serious funny (my job), when it’s already funny without any help from me.

We’re all going lickety-split down the information highway with so many ways to receive and share information these days, but I’m not sure that I always want to know everything that’s going on out there every minute. Yes, I do enjoy keeping up with what’s happening in the world hither and yon, but there are times I regret turning on this social network or tuning in to that news media.

Take today, for example. Here are some news bits that I could’ve lived without. Unfortunately, now, neither can you.

Ready?

“Kindergarten Graduation Brawl Breaks Out In Cleveland.”

(I warned you.)

Yes, it seems that some fruit punch was spilled near the dais during the ceremony, and this

prompted a melee. We can only be comforted, according to Cleveland’s police Commander Wayne Drummond, that “you had adults fighting adults, juvies fighting juvies, and so forth.”

That’s a relief. At first glance, I imagined that a flash mob of Nerfbat-wielding tots had suddenly run amok against their parental units in a Lilliputian frenzy. Before it was over, there were multiple arrests made for “aggravated rioting” (can you have an unaggravated riot?), and ten police cars were dispatched to the scene. City Councilman Jeff Johnson said that it was “embarrassing that parents during a kindergarten promotion cannot control themselves.”

Embarrassing?

No. Embarrassing is when, with everyone inside watching, we repeatedly push on a convenience store door that says pull. But, hurling punch and punches at your child’s first cap and gowning goes beyond feeling red-faced, and when the Great Cleveland PTA Tumult inevitably erupts this fall, we’d rather not know about it. Next up:

“Loose Llama Subdued With Taser.”

I suppose it had to come to this eventually, and it did recently in Tallahassee, Florida. The

runaway llama’s name was “Scooter” (that should’ve been a tip-off right there), and it took six police officers to run him down, zap him, and bring him to justice. He was tasered because “llamas don’t respond well to voice commands,” said police Lt. Tony Drzewiecki.

I didn’t need that last bit of information, because even though I’m now armed with it, I know that I’ll still instinctively yell “Get out of here, you crazy llama!” if a llama on the lam shows up in my vegetable garden.

BONUS NEWS: As I read the above story, another one appeared, and we can only hope they’re not related. I’m not kidding: “Four Llamas Involved In I-75 Car Crash.” Now, were they driving? Were they drunk? I don’t know, because I had to stop reading. I’m not sure that I could’ve handled tasered and breathalyzed llamas on the same day.

I was hoping that further research wouldn’t produce more items that you didn’t want or need to know, but alas, they kept on coming. I’m confident that you’d have otherwise been just fine today without discovering that the town of Wildwood, New Jersey is preparing to pass a “Saggy Pants Ban” on its boardwalks, unless you’re including Wildwood in your summer vacation getaway plans. If you are, tighten your belts.

Or, I’m sure that your daily routine would’ve gone on unchecked if you’d gone on uninformed about a young man who has just been declared “The World’s Fastest Clapper,” slapping his hands together 802 times in one minute. I watched the video (no sacrifice too great for this readership) and that’s a minute of my life I’ll never get back, but you’re welcome.

Lastly, I’ve no doubt that you’d have had a hunky-dory day without now being aware that 566 Sears employees recently set a Guinness world record for being “The Most People Assembled In One Place Dressed As Superman.”

Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a wonder that Sears was open for business!

And, it’s something we wish we didn’t know.

 

Humor columnist B. Elwin Sherman launches his columns from Bethlehem, N.H.

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