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Humor March 2017

Agelessly Yours

Getting More Attention Than Most

By Karen White-Walker

I’m not saying that as we age we all haven’t earned the right to live one stage away from being in a coma, but let’s face it, some people slow down long before they even start up. Tilly took to her bed when she was around 45, but before then, she was very bearable, almost entertaining until she discovered that she could really bask in the limelight if she was constantly “sick.”

Forget all that bunk about proper eating, exercising, no smoking and moderate drinking if you want to contribute to life’s longevity — mainly yours. Just sprawl your aging body across the bed, pop bonbons all day long, sip sherry disguised in an Ensure can, puff Panatela cigars, strive for total inactivity and there you have it, a blueprint for living “forever.” Or will it just seem like forever when the hours slowly slip by without any productivity?

But here’s the killer, and I’m talking now to you ladies (but men, you know darn well that you’re going to eavesdrop and listen anyway) – while in your vegetated state, the men will flock around you like asps around Cleopatra, or should I replace the letter P in asp with the letter S and add an E before the last S? Disgustingly haven’t we all witnessed firsthand how there are men out there who just love helpless women, and that by even helping them blow their noses, these men feel manly and needed? Don’t you dare think that I’m one of those feeble females who has had subservient suitors surrounding her — I’d rather die first, and I probably will because my lifestyle is the antithesis of what I’ve just described.

I know firsthand that in a certain nursing home there’s 88-year-old Tilly who’s bedridden, more by choice than circumstances, trust me. She could easily be mistaken for a tranquilized, beached whale with a perm and eyeglasses. When I’m home and tempted to just lay around like some blob, I hop over to see “Madame Inertia” and boy, does my ambitious streak ever kick in!

I’m not saying that as we age we all haven’t earned the right to live one stage away from being in a coma, but let’s face it, some people slow down long before they even start up. Tilly took to her bed when she was around 45, but before then, she was very bearable, almost entertaining until she discovered that she could really bask in the limelight if she was constantly “sick.” Eventually “just plain sick” didn’t quite do it for her, so she upped the ante by making countless trips to the emergency room.

“She’ll outlive all of us, so let’s move the hospital and not leave any forwarding address,” one of the so-called, on-call doctors was heard to mumble. And to think that he considered himself a doctor, but she calls herself a patient, so on both accounts they are mistaken and they deserve each other. Who says life isn’t fair?

I do.

When I envision this “helpless,” listless lady being attended to by two – not one – but two admirers (some healthy cows can’t interest even one) I ask myself, “What the heck are most women doing wrong?” Guess they’re not admitting themselves into nursing homes where they can be treated to a “bed, bath and beyond.”

“Beyond” for this dame is when one 93-year-old resident visits her every day and messages her neck and feet for hours. When he leaves, son-of-a-gun, if another man doesn’t come in to fluff up her hair that’s about as soft as a wire brush. He also touches up her makeup and selects just the right jewelry to go with her 24-hour nightwear. I think he has a male friend on the “outside,” so you know she’s not giving out sexual favors to him. But that takes energy, and as far as I know, Tilly hasn’t moved in almost 50 years.

What the heck does she have that lures them in? Could it be her extremely bright mind that has instant recall of every highlight in her life as well as everybody else’s?

Forget all that bunk about reading, working crossword puzzles, taking up a challenging hobby, and socializing to keep your mind sharp and alert. If you think Tilly does all that, you belong more in a nursing home than she does. She hasn’t picked up a book or her head from the pillow since Lucy had her baby, and she’s happier than most.

As for that 93-year-old “gentleman caller.” He’s plumb pooped out after rubbing her neck and back. I guess a woman can’t have it all, huh? But Tilly almost does.

 

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