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Humor February 2017

Pants on Fire

By Dick Wolfsie

I am going to start a support group for men who have waists and inseams that are not even numbers. Share your stories, explain your frustrations. Admit you are odd. I’m going to call it Alterations Anonymous.

Have you seen my pants lately?

I mean a pair of 35x31 pants. That’s not a brand name, like 501 jeans; it’s my size. Yes, I have a 35‑inch waist and two 31‑inch legs. Now you know. I am not particularly proud of this. I didn’t aspire to it (except when I was a 36). But I’m not unhappy with it either, although I’d rather be a 34.

Now, I ask you again: have you seen these pants? I’m beginning to think the ones I’m wearing were the last 35x31s made in America. I’m looking for another pair. Where have all the 35x31s gone? Every Saturday morning, I head out the door to look for pants. I’m either wearing my only six‑year‑old pair of 35x31s, or I’m scrunched into 34x28s. Sometimes I waddle around in a pair of 36x32s.

First, I go to Macy’s to shop. Man, do they have pants. And they have some really great sizes: 38x34, 42x28, 42x36, 40x34, 36x28. Then I try Kohl’s, JCPenny and Sears. I look through all the shelves and racks, hoping some guy who’s a 35x31 realized he forgot his credit card, squirreled away his size in the wrong area and planned to return the next day and reclaim his treasure. Maybe there’s a 35x31 hidden between the 44x30s and the 32x28s. That’s where I once tried to hide a pair of 35x31s. No luck. Let me tell you something: you can hide some of your income from the IRS in a bank in Switzerland, but you can’t hide a pair of 35x31 pants. Trust me, I’ve tried.

So what is the explanation for this situation? Maybe there are not enough men who are that size to make it worth it to the manufacturers. But why would that be? To have a 36‑inch waist, you have to be a 35 for at least a couple of weeks, even if it all changed right after that cruise to the Bahamas. You can’t skip a size. You have to grow through it. Think about it: at some point in time, even 7= 4, former Indiana Pacer Rik Smits had a 31‑inch inseam. Okay, maybe just for one weekend in grade school. But still, he needed pants, didn’t he?

None of the clothing makers care about us 35‑31s, or 33‑27s or 37‑35s. They pretty much think that our waists and legs are always an even number of inches. I know God works in mysterious ways, but that’s a little too mysterious for me.

I am going to start a support group for men who have waists and inseams that are not even numbers. Share your stories, explain your frustrations. Admit you are odd. I’m going to call it Alterations Anonymous.

Of course, if you are a perfect 40x30, or an exact 38x34 and especially if you are a real honest‑to‑goodness 36x30 (the most common size), you probably read this entire humor column and didn’t find any of it very funny.

Well, neither do I.

 

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