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Humor April 2012

Ernie's World

The Grass Is Always Greener

By Ernie Witham

Therefore it only makes sense to try bonsai‑ing cannabis. Kind of pot in a pot if you will. I even have a name for my signature crop – Ernie's Journeys.

I'm sure it's just a matter of time before California legalizes marijuana, so today I went out back and dug up all the arugula and planted several rows of cannabis.
"You dug up my arugula?"

Oh‑oh. "Oh, hi, Dear."

"It was just days from being ready to pick."

"I know, but now we'll have something new for our salads."

My wife mumbled something that was either: "I am so lucky to be married to such an incredibly brilliant man," or "I must have done something really bad in a previous life."

I decided on this new horticultural adventure because I've been doing so well with my newest hobby – bonsai trees. Therefore it only makes sense to try bonsai‑ing cannabis. Kind of pot in a pot if you will. I even have a name for my signature crop -− Ernie's Journeys.

"What if the marijuana initiative never passes?" my wife asked as she gathered up her wilting arugula.

"We tell everyone it's South American Ivy."

"Good one. Judge Ochoa will get a chuckle just before he sends you up the river."

"Actually, from Santa Barbara I think they send you up the coast."

I've never had a cash crop before, except when I was a kid I used to go door‑to‑door in our

neighborhood selling summer squash from my father's garden. I didn't make a lot of money, but I did get rid of a lot of squash that I otherwise would have had to eat.

Perhaps I should do some Internet research on how to be a pot farmer.

Step 1. Don't tell anyone. Loose lips cause helicopters to fly over your home. Hmm. Okay so don't spread this news around. I'm counting on you.

Step 2. To produce the most potent buds <http:// howtogrowmarijuana.com/ white‑widow. html> it is necessary to remove the male plants before flowering takes place. The act of sexing the plants (identifying if it is male or female) can be a difficult one.

I may have to hire an expert medical cannabis gardener to help me get started. Which shouldn't be too hard since the majority of them will be out of business if the initiative passes. I should check Craigslist.

Once I get over these first few hurdles, the second part of my plan for new‑found fortune is to go to all the area drugstores and stock up on half‑price holiday candy they are trying to unload. Last year I bought a couple of dozen bags of goodies at a big discount right after the holidays even though we typically only get four or five trick‑or‑treaters. I couldn't wait to see their little mask‑obscured eyes light up when I dumped enough candy into their sacks to ensure every dentist in a 15‑square‑mile area a two‑week Hawaiian vacation.

Unfortunately, when Halloween came this year, someone had eaten all that candy.

"Someone?"


Meet Ernie