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Humor November 2016

Agelessly Yours

May Your Cornucopia Be Bulging

By Karen White-Walker

Why is it so easy to lie rather than tell the truth? Probably because our ancestors, particularity Adam and Eve, lied to Our Lord, and if they could lie to him, how much easier it is to fib to family and friends who don’t hold our eternal salvation in their hands.

Why is it so blasted easy to focus in on what we don’t have rather than what we do have? Guess we’re just prone to being dissatisfied, self-centered ingrates. I’m forever saying, “If only…if only I was like those gluttons who can gorge themselves on Thanksgiving and stand up looking thinner than when they sat down.” I hate ‘em. It’s not because we heavyweights long to be simply gorgeous – it’s strictly for health reasons, right? Why is it so easy to lie rather than tell the truth? Probably because our ancestors, particularity Adam and Eve, lied to Our Lord, and if they could lie to him, how much easier it is to fib to family and friends who don’t hold our eternal salvation in their hands.

Or do they?

Some people make us so darn angry and bring out traits that normally wouldn’t even surface if only they, the perpetrators, were halfway bearable, agree? Just the other day I was sitting at a red light. It turned green, but I guess I didn’t hit the gas pedal fast enough, because there was this real creep behind me honking the horn. I didn’t know I was on the starting line of the Indy 500.

Well, want to know where the jerk was going in such a hurry? To the house of horrors – The gas station. I saw him through my rear view window. Don’t tell me he was in such a hurry to pay $3.21 a gallon for gas. I noticed he had a vehicle that used only diesel. I’m glad his fuel cost more than mine. What if in his rotten rush he mistakenly pumped in regular? There would go his entire engine and his car would be as good as a trip to the junkyard – towed at a whopping expense. See what I mean about unreasonable, impatient people forcing one to entertain hateful, vindictive thoughts and become all mean and bitter?

And how about the people who are always jumping to wrong conclusions? Like the time Mr. So & So’s car broke down on the side of the road and a ravishing redhead cruised by, slammed her car into reverse, and offered to give him a lift. I didn’t say that kind of lift. Well, the town’s equivalent to the Associated Press just happened to be gawking out of her front window wearing binoculars and, within seconds the entire town knew that that scoundrel Mr. So & So was up to no good. Never mind that the man’s car battery wasn’t the only thing operating on low voltage could have even been possibly totally dead because Mrs. So & So….

No, I  absolutely refuse to succumb to insidious gossip. Just because others can’t recognize that that’s a sort of cancer that spreads – I really try to be an example of someone who keeps her mouth shut. All I’m going to say is that one evening she, Mr. So & So’s wife, arrived home terribly late and, in spite of the fact that the next day she was dragging as low as a wiener dog’s belly, she wore this silly, Cheshire-looking grin on her face all day long. Hey, that’s how many older women feel when the night before…. the night before they maybe were…how do I say this with class? Frisky?

Aren’t you so thankful for people whose lives are so vibrant and full, like an overflowing cornucopia that they don’t have the time or inclination to talk about you and yours? After all, just how important are we that we have to be the center of every conversation? Guess what, we’re not. So it seems like some people’s cornucopias are half cracked and sadly, not bulging, while others are overflowing.

I think the absolute worst type of human beings are those who have to comment on everyone and everything. Heck, I could see if they were writers with editors asking them to write a little something that will please everybody (an impossibility) and so you scrutinize every person for an interesting, exciting expose. There I go, excusing myself for having the same curiosity that most human beings have – refusing to own up to my intrinsic need to not only delve into peoples’ foibles, but to write about them. Well, starting this Thanksgiving I’m going to stuff my cornucopia with all things I’m so grateful for, but only after I stuff myself with turkey and all the trimmings. Things just seem a lot better on a full stomach, don’t you agree?

 

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