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Humor September 2016

Gray Matter

Want Some Cheese with That Whine

By Jody Lebel

Will my headstone read “If it wasn’t for all the whining, she would have been great.” Folks don’t want to be around naysayers and grumps; they want to be around positive people. I want to be one of those people. I knew I had to take action.

Whining and complaining have become a national obsession with baby boomers. Complaining is status quo these days. Griping about others? Well, that’s the norm, isn’t it? Look anywhere, go anywhere, and just listen. It makes my heart hurt. Sometimes it really gets to me.

See there? I'm complaining. And I’ve noticed I complain a lot. Had I become one of those people that doesn’t like anything? Will my headstone read “If it wasn’t for all the whining, she would have been great.” Folks don’t want to be around naysayers and grumps; they want to be around positive people. I want to be one of those people. I knew I had to take action. I vowed to stop complaining for a week. As soon as I said it, I thought I can’t last a week. Who can last a whole week? Then I clamped a hand over my mouth. I can. I will.

Day 1: The first thing I noticed is that everyone on the news complains about something – the weather, the audio sync, the traffic. Stop it, people. I’m trying to be good here. Now I’m complaining about other complainers. Not a good start.

Day 2: I forgot that I wasn’t complaining and I complained about the water in the shower not being hot enough. And the new shampoo that’s supposed to make my hair shine like a 20-year-old’s? Total waste of money. Oops. Good thing I caught myself. Two gripes before I even had my coffee.

Day 3: I had to go to the DMV today. I waited for over two hours in those uncomfortably hard seats that dig into the back of your leg, watching a depressed, grumbling, half-dazed swarm of humanity clomp around switching positions as though engaged in a life-and-death game of musical chairs. When I finally heard my number broadcast over their state-of-the-art speakers in a voice that was straight out of the “Stepford Wives,” I danced up to the counter like they were giving away free ice cream and greeted the woman with what might, at that point, look like a crazed smile. I peeled my crumpled customer number off my sweaty palm and begged her to help me. But by gawd, I didn’t complain.

Day 4: I was having lunch with my mom at a local upscale restaurant. I won’t mention the name, but it’s the one that’s famous for always having the latest food trends. I ran my thumb over the menu and with a sour pucker of a turned-down mouth said, “Who would eat a cheeseburger on a jelly donut?” My mother lowered her menu and gave me a pointed stare. I quickly added, “But maybe they’re delicious. I should try new foods.” I ended up having my usual boring turkey club on rye. That wasn’t a complaint by the way.

Day 5: I found a way to cheat today. All you have to do is say you hate something and then add, "That's not a complaint. It's just an observation." If nothing else, this week is making me realize how often I fuss about things that don't really matter.

Day 6: I may have made a tiny step forward. I hurt my foot today. I don’t know how … I just got out of bed wrong. I’m at that age, you know? (Not a complaint. Just an observation.) So when the cashier at the grocery store asked, "How are you?" instead of launching into my sad story (which I know she really doesn’t want to hear and they just make her ask that) I quickly blurted, "Great. And how are you?” I am so impressed with myself. Now I can see I am the type of person who's nice to store employees and friendly in the face of adversity. That is going to look a lot better on my tombstone.

Day 7: Just when I'm getting the hang of this, my time is up. I made it. One whole week. Seven days. 168 hours. You get the point. But I noticed that even when you've put a sock in your complaining, it's not easy to stay positive.

My takeaway? The experiment forced me to turn a critical eye on what was about to come gushing out of my mouth, and stop the flow before it happened. Maybe I didn’t create a better world in one week but in my own way I believe I nudged things in the right direction.

 

To balance out her dark days as a criminal court reporter, Jody Lebel writes romantic suspense novels and humorous short stories.

Meet Jody