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Humor August 2016

Early Morning Greatness

By Sy Rosen

I then decided that a novel is a lot of words, maybe it should be a novella. After another week I decided I should write a short story. I now have decided to write the great American letter to the editor. I’m still working on it.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve been sleeping less. I’m now waking up at 4:30 in the morning. There are a lot of scientific explanations for this but I like to think it’s because I want to boldly face the world and can’t wait to get started each morning (it may also be because I have to go to the bathroom).

The question is, what should I do with myself in these early morning hours? Just recently I’ve read a few articles saying that before you die you should achieve what you really want to achieve. That’s a lot of pressure. I mean why can’t we just be happy with what we’ve already done? However, since I am getting up at 4:30, I decided to use these early hours to accomplish my real goal in life. I just have to figure out what that is. Here are a few things I’ve tried in my attempt to leave my mark on the world:

  • Write the great American novel.  For a week I awoke at 4:30 and faced the blank page of my great American novel. I then decided that it didn’t have to be that great, there’s nothing wrong with a mediocre novel. I then decided that a novel is a lot of words, maybe it should be a novella. After another week I decided I should write a short story. I now have decided to write the great American letter to the editor. I’m still working on it.

  • Invent something. I figured I just had to identify a need and fill it. In the early morning hours I walked around the house barefoot and noticed that my feet were picking up dust and crumbs – my feet were like human Swiffers. Greatness awaited me – I just needed to invent something that would do a better job of cleaning. I designed, I sketched, I edited, I redesigned, and then after several days of perfecting my work I looked at my drawings and realized I had invented … the broom.

  • Do something heroic.  I would love to be a hero. I could go to the Middle East and help destroy ISIS. However, I am afraid to fly. I therefore decided to do something locally. I got dressed at 5 a.m. and with my trusty flashlight in hand started to patrol the neighborhood. Maybe I’d see a coyote and rescue a small dog or kitten. I walked about a block, got a little nervous (and a cramp in my leg) and went home.

  • Write a song. 4:30 a.m. is a good time to write the lyrics of a hit song that would pave my way to greatness. By 6 a.m. I had written “me and you, you and me.” By 7 a.m. I had written, “me and you, you and me, we is we.” By 8 a.m. I had decided to give up on writing a song.

  • Run for political office. In the early morning hours I hatched my plan. I would run for the mayor of my small city and then after one successful term I would run for President. It was a very exciting plan and I would certainly be doing something important with my life. However I then looked at the map on my wall and realized I couldn’t locate Pakistan, Afghanistan, Syria or Utah. I decided I wasn’t qualified to be President. Now if only some of the other candidates would also come to that conclusion.

I have now decided to concentrate all of my efforts on a way to sleep later so I won’t have to go through this craziness.

 

Sy has written for The Bob Newhart Show, Taxi, MASH, Maude, The Wonder Years, and Frasier. He has been married for forty-one years which is great because they say the first forty are the toughest.

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