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Humor February 2016

Living Forever in the Cyber-Cloud

By John C. Liburdi

These days, I can do whatever I want, with no silly accountability issues or painful consequences to fret over. The cyber-cloud may not be heaven, but at least I’m not going to fry in hell.

The world of information technology keeps spinning faster and faster, so fast that now a cloud has been generated. Terabytes of data — to the infinite power — are stored in this nebulous computer network infrastructure called the cloud. There’s little doubt that my ultimate destiny is to reside in that cloud for eternity, and I’m quite comfortable with that.

First of all, I’m not going to be another one of those naïve stiffs who paid $200,000 to be frozen solid, hoping to achieve a better life after thawing out a few decades from now. How do we even know this will work out right? And who’s going to clean up the mess when frozen people start melting like ice cream cones dripping in the summer heat?

Furthermore, there won’t be any dramatic Pearly Gates scenario for me when I pass away. Tennessee Ernie Ford used to sing, “Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go; I owe my soul to the company store.” In my case, it’s the Apple Store, which I’ve actually come to accept because it’s where I bought the keys to my eternal salvation.

My computer and smartphone have allowed me to project my very being into the cyber-cloud. All my emails, tweets, Facebook postings and photo albums are out there in the cloud, not to mention my digitized medical and dental records. All my personal preferences are out there too, including shopping, dining and entertainment. But I guess that’s pretty much the case with everyone in America, and for much of the world’s population.

However, my latest initiative has put me a cut above all those people. I had my body laser- scanned as a hologram figure that was then uploaded to cyberspace where I’ll permanently reside in a cloud — the new afterlife! And I know it won’t be long before others come to join me there. I wish it were going to be fascinating people like Leonardo da Vinci and Elvis Presley, or even luscious Marilyn Monroe. Unfortunately, those people were born too early to get aboard the digital boat that will carry “believers” to the cloud.

People I expect to see in the cyber-cloud are guys like Bill Gates and Donald Trump, and maybe even Madonna. Oh yeah, guess I should have mentioned that it takes a lot of money to get uploaded to the cloud. Not to worry though, the Chinese are already busy cloning the upload software and creating a knock-off cloud infrastructure of their own – so, the cost of having your hologram uploaded will soon be mere pocket change. Fair warning though: expect lots of dragons to be wandering around their cloud, and bland rice will be the main staple.

At any rate, I’ll probably be participating in quite a few séances when I start living in the cloud. They’re bound to be a huge success for everyone involved. The mediums won’t be the classic wide-eyed, mysterious ladies speaking in a solemn voice. Instead, computer geeks will temporarily download my hologram figure from the cloud so that séance participants can directly interact with me.

I worried all my life about whether I’ll eventually ascend to glorious heaven or descend to fiery hell, the existence of which I take as a matter of faith. So, I’ve always stayed safely between the boundaries of evil and good, never doing anything too awfully bad and never doing anything too awfully good. Thus, I was told that I might have to spend a long time in some place called limbo before a final determination can be made as to my eternal destiny.

Well, all those worries are over now that I discovered the cyber-cloud. These days, I can do whatever I want, with no silly accountability issues or painful consequences to fret over. The cyber-cloud may not be heaven, but at least I’m not going to fry in hell.

Initially, I’ll probably be a little bit lonely in the cloud, but lots of wonderful folks will join me with the passage of time and we’ll all have great fun together. That is, until human nature takes its course and one of us declares himself or herself to be the sovereign ruler. Obviously, such an assertion would be viewed as a rather presumptuous act.

That being said, please tell me which one of you commoners is next in line for laser scanning to become a hologram figure.

 

Liburdi’s books are available at online bookstores and on the Kindle Reader.

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