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Humor November 2015

Revenge of the Nerd

By Sy Rosen

We had this idea for an arcade with all kinds of video games and dancing and food and our slogan would be “For Loners, Losers and Lovers.” We were sure the word “lovers” would bring in lots of kids like us (hopeful nerds).

Dear Harry,

It’s been 45 years since we’ve talked and I thought it was time we buried the hatchet, let bygones be bygones, and admit that I was right (just kidding). I miss you. We were best friends. I remember when we were 14 we spent hours debating who was hotter – Wonder Woman or Supergirl. We also liked Invisible Girl (probably because the only chance we had for a girlfriend was someone invisible).

And we also spent many afternoons coming up with different ideas on how we would become millionaires (I guess in today’s world it would be billionaires). We had this idea for an arcade with all kinds of video games and dancing and food and our slogan would be “For Loners, Losers and Lovers.” We were sure the word “lovers” would bring in lots of kids like us (hopeful nerds).

And then when I was 16 I had this mad crush on Maureen Pepper and you told me to go for it even though she was one of the cool girls. And major surprise – we went on a few dates and I thought she liked me. And I rushed over to your house to tell you and found the two of you making out.

I was hurt but kind of understood because she was so darn pretty. But then you became part of the cool group and dropped me as a friend. I remember you once made fun of me and told them I was in love with Wonder Woman and they all laughed at me. I guess I understand, you were insecure and improved your status by making a silly joke about me.

The truth is I was lucky that you didn’t invite me to your wedding because it was that weekend that I met Wanda, the love of my life, and we’ve been married for 42 years now. I heard you and Maureen got divorced and you got remarried 3 times and you’re single now. I bet your next marriage is successful – the law of averages is with you.

By the way, I really didn’t mind when you opened a chain of arcades with the slogan “For Loners, Losers, and Lovers.” And it’s okay that you didn’t return my phone calls about it. I’m proud that you made $14,000,000 with our idea. And I was sorry to read that you recently went bankrupt and your creditors are suing you for $100,000,000. Looking on the bright side, if you’re sued for $100,000,000 that means you’ve really made your mark and people won’t forget you.

Oh, and I heard that you have four grown children from different marriages but they all hate you and don’t talk to you. I’m sorry about that but just think of all the money you save by not having to send them cards and gifts.

I have to go now. We’re having dinner at my daughter’s house. We see her and my son-in-law and granddaughter twice a week. It’s a real joy.

I just want to say that when you get older you realize what’s really important in life. You evolve and do not dwell too much on other people’s fortunes or misfortunes. All things considered, I do not feel good about the way things turned out for you –  I feel great!

Thinking about you,

Sy (still evolving) Rosen

 

Sy has written for The Bob Newhart Show, Taxi, MASH, Maude, The Wonder Years, and Frasier. He has been married for forty-one years which is great because they say the first forty are the toughest.

Meet Sy