I usually golf on the day after Thanksgiving, so my only Black Friday experience is watching my golf ball sail majestically through the air only to land smack dab in the middle of the water feature – for the fourth time. And I think there are a lot of people like me. That’s why there are so many golf ball manufacturers.
It’s also why, this year, the retail industry decided to expand Black Friday.
It started with Off-white Wednesday, then Gray Thursday, Black Friday and Olive Saturday. By then I’d lost so many golf balls in the little lake that the ducks began throwing them back at me. So, when Silver-Lining Sunday came along, I figured “What the hell” I’d better buy something.
“How about a golf lesson?” my wife suggested. “Or stock in Titleist?”
But I had a better idea. “I could learn more watching golf on one of those humongous televisions they are practically giving away.”
The technology has changed a bit since our last set. For instance, most people mount their televisions on the wall now. I tried that but then I couldn’t adjust the rabbit ears, plus the weight of the mahogany cabinet caused some of the plaster to fall off.
So, I went to the “Technology Only Your Kids Can Figure Out” store. It was crowded and some people looked and smelled like they had been there since pre-Off-White Tuesday.
“They keep lowering the prices! My wife went into labor, so she had to leave, but I’m holding out for the ‘Low-low-lowest’ deal on an underwater camera.”
“Are you a diver?”
“No.”
“Snorkeler?”
“No.”
“Do you even swim?”
“What’s your point?”
A young salesman approached. “I’m thinking about replacing the old tube,” I said.
“What’s a tube?” he asked.
Turns out televisions are now called smart TVs. They are the size of a picture window and about the same thickness. “Where do you put the TV Guide?”
“Channel 82.”
That’s when he began asking questions. “Do you want an LCD, LED or plasma?”
“Which one has the Golf Channel?”
That’s when he explained that all LED TVs are actually LCD TVs; they just use LEDs as their light source, instead of the traditional CCFLs.
“Oh,” I said.
“Which is more important to you, light output or black level?”
“I ah...”
“Some LED LCDs are capable of well over 100 footlamberts!”
“Wow!”
“Course you’ll probably also want to consider how often you refresh.”
“Yeah, that’s important to my wife.”
“Plasmas claim 600 Hertz though that’s disputed. LCD LEDs can have 60, 120 or 240. Depends how you feel about motion blur.”
“I’m against it?”
“Me too, but though the frame interpolation method does stop the juddery motion the ultra smoothness makes movies look like soap operas, which can be nauseating.”
“I’ve always thought soap operas were nauseating.”
“I can see I’m talking to a guy who knows his stuff. Now, are you happy with 1080i or do you think you’d like to move up to 4G? Naturally the 4Gs are more expensive.”
“Naturally.”
“But it does represent a quadrupling of the resolution though some experts think you can only resolve one arcminute or a 60th of a degree anyway, so more is not any better.”
“I see.”
“So rather than 4G you might want to really spring for the best and go for the new OLED.”
“Oh?”
“Technology of the future. Or at least it was yesterday.”
“What about the special one you offered in your flyer?”
“Oh, you want to go with the Silver-Lining Sunday special of the moment... oh wait, it just changed... ah, here we go... perfect! You can get this one that uses LED-Array technology. Wow, huh?”
The guy waiting for the underwater camera special walked by. His wife was back with him carrying a small baby wrapped in Cyber Monday ads. “I’ll take it,” I said.
“Excellent. Now do you want to buy the sound bar or the surround sound speaker system for it?”
It doesn’t come with sound?”
He took a breath. “You’ll want the richness of a subwoofer certainly.”
Another customer approached, took the last 60-inch, WiFi Connect, Full-Array LED, Apps-Plus Smart TV from right in front of us. The salesman asked him if he wanted the Mount-Tilt Bracket or the Cheetah Mount. I went home to watch golf on my RCA.