Meet our writers

Humor May 2012

Ernie's World

Led Zeppelin and the Elephant Seals

By Ernie Witham

At the time of our requested departure by management there were a dozen or so people living there and the line between when one party ended and the next party started became a blur.

"What did she say?" I asked my wife.

"Male elephant seals form harems," my wife whispered.

The docent continued: "The dominant, or alpha, male is usually surrounded by a group of females. On the periphery of the harem, the beta bulls wait in hopes of an opportunity to mate."

"Wow! Just like my first apartment in New Hampshire," I blurted out.

"Excuse me?" the docent looked at me then at my wife.

"That was way, way before my time," my wife said.

"See I once accidentally invited three different girls to a party and -- they all showed up! Several of the other guys thought I was being a bit greedy and should share but I guess I was just feeling like an elephant seal. Like I had my own harem for a day! Isn't it funny how nature works?"

"Yes, funny," the docent said.

We were at the Piedras Blancas elephant seal colony located just north of Cambria on Route One and there were hundreds of sleeping lumps piled up close to each other. The similarities were mind blowing. Many mating seasons ago, I found myself in a group living situation in my hometown. It didn't start out that way of course. I was a bit of a loner at the time and I met another guy who was also a bit of a loner and we became friends.

"We should get a place together, man."

"Far out!"

The apartment was on the third floor of an old building and had formerly been an attic. The walls went up about six feet then slanted inward to a long narrow ceiling, which as it turns out was perfect for a black light. We hung up a few day-glo posters, got a couple of beanbag chairs, plugged in the Tru-Tone record player (Now with stereo speakers!) and lit some incense. It was a cool place to hang out and enjoy our solitude.

"Righteous!"

"Right on!"

Then word got out and people began to visit. They brought more day-glo posters, a strobe light, a Led Zeppelin album.

"Groovy!"

"Outtasight!"

"Trippy!"

Soon, we became the place for everyone to hang out on Saturday nights. Then it became Friday and Saturday nights. Then pretty much every night. At the time of our requested departure by management there were a dozen or so people living there and the line between when one party ended and the next party started became a blur. In the morning (or afternoon) you had to step over and around a mass of sleeping bodies, just like on the beach below us "Where are the harems?"

"Mating season hasn't started yet," the docent said. "You'd know if it had. The rookery is a very noisy place during the breeding season. There are gargles, grunts, snorts, belches, bleats, whimpers, squeaks, squeals, and much male trumpeting."

Once again I flashed back to our first little colony.

As it turns out the bulls tend to show up in late December when the majority of females return. Both spend most of the year in the ocean eating seafood and traveling great distances. Not together, though.

Elephant seals are solitary creatures and travel alone.

"I once hitchhiked from San Diego to San Francisco and back again by myself," I said. "Met a bunch of Hippies. But they ate mostly yogurt."

The docent looked at my wife quizzically, as if she were wondering how we ever got together. I'm sure my wife was about to say "pure luck" but the docent continued her spiel telling us that the peak of mating activity is around Valentine's Day, which providing you remembered to buy flowers, holds true for other mammals as well.

"Pups are weaned when the mother abruptly departs for sea to find food and a bit of solitude. It's been about a month and the pups have quadrupled their birth weight," she said.

"Wow. Same thing happens to me over the holidays."

"Riigghhhttt. Ah, the next eight to ten weeks the pups remain at the rookery teaching themselves how to swim, before taking off on their first adventure at sea."

"Where are you going?" my wife asked.

"To the car to see if we have any Led Zeppelin CDs," I said.

"Far out, groovy and righteous," the docent said.


Meet Ernie