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Humor January 2015

Agelessly Yours

The Turkey Wore White

By Karen White-Walker

"You women never listen to us men like you're supposed to," he blurted out. "That's the damn trouble with this world, the women wanna be the boss."

He seemed like a heck of a nice guy, this stranger who my husband brought into our home for me to meet. Seems they were out in the garage shootin' the bull about what not to do while turkey hunting. Both had gotten up at 4:00 a.m. and both had returned “fowless.”  I'm surprised because my husband has been hunting for over 60 years and is such an expert shot.

"Ya gotta see one to shoot one," was my husband's flimsy excuse. If I sound impatient and slightly bitter it's because the man would never, I mean never, get up at 4:00 a.m. for anything I wanted to do. Come to think of it, he wouldn't go to bed either for anything I wanted to do. I really better be careful with what comes out of this big mouth, because I did say he's an expert shot, didn't I?

Well in treks his turkey‑hunting buddy with a pleasant smile, an unassuming manner and when I offered him a chair, he was very considerate of our humble furnishings. Funny how wrong we can be with first impressions.

"No thanks," he softly replied, as he refused to walk on our carpeting with his muddy boots, or sit on our couch with his less than fresh-smelling camouflaged clothing.

"Don't be silly," I insisted, "I still have to do my spring cleaning."

"For which year?" roared my husband, and because he thought that was so uproariously funny, he had to take out his “hunting” handkerchief to blow his nose and wipe his eyes. That's when I noticed something very strange, even for him.

"Why the florescent orange-colored handkerchief?" I asked. "I thought all you owned were monogrammed white and red bandana ones?"

"That's how much you know about me," he flippantly replied.

Sometimes when other people are around I don't like him very much; you could almost say I intensely dislike the guy, because he speaks to me so differently than when we're alone.

"Ya never wave a blue, red or especially a white handkerchief while out in the fields, because other hunters can easily mistake you for a turkey, and bang!" he whispered.

Boy, what a comeback I could have with that remark, but because I really am such an exceptional wife, I decided not to embarrass him in front of his newfound friend. That man should really appreciate me more than he does. I turned my attention to this stoic stranger and again, I pointed to the chair and uttered those two little words that unleashed his ire - "Please sit."

"You women never listen to us men like you're supposed to," he blurted out. "That's the damn trouble with this world, the women wanna be the boss."

So help me, girls, I almost choked on my saliva. "'Like we're supposed to?'" I gasped. If that ignoramus had even dared to sit down to make himself comfortable, I would have called the border police because clearly, he had overstepped his boundaries. I might have taken my husband's feelings into consideration, but not this stranger's.

"My husband mentioned to me how you've been married and divorced more than once. I'm shocked you attracted anybody at all, you old coot!" I snapped.

Immediately I felt guilty and ashamed for having stooped so low as to retaliate. But I'm only human, so to appease my conscience I packed this “Turkey the Terrible” a lunch to take with him hunting the following morning. But because I'm only a woman, “inferior” to men by their assessments, and I don't know any better, I slipped a gleaming white handkerchief into the bag. The man might sneeze, God bless him - he'll need it.


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