Okay, another confession. I know y’all love them so you can gloat that you’re better off than somebody, even if it’s a very low bar that I’ve set. I got a speeding ticket a while ago on Holcomb Bridge — 60 in a 45. I’m sure you never ever saw anybody going 60 mph on Holcomb Bridge — and obviously you NEVER did it yourself. Pfffft!

I called to pay it and the phone lady tells me that “you have the option of appearing and asking the judge to make it a non-reportable offense.”

“Why?” I ask.

“So your insurance doesn’t go up!” I could hear her finishing the sentence with “you dummy,” in her mind, but she didn’t say it. After all Roswell, Georgia, is not New York City. Their idea of a non-reportable offense is paying off the local alderman to squash the ticket. (I’m from NY so I can dis `em if I want. In fact, if I didn’t, they’d be disappointed in me.)

Anyway, I thought I’d take the lady up on the idea. At my age, nobody wants to insure you, dance with you or….oh never mind. Court date was set for one o’clock. How bad could it be? Maybe wait a few minutes for the judge, chat with him about his golf game, finish the deal and be home in an hour. Ah, the fantasies we weave.

Off I go to Roswell Municipal Court. Lemme give you some advice right up front. If you ever have to appear there, BRING A BOOK — a thick book. Timid soul that I am, and not wanting to be late, I got there over a half-hour early. A half-dozen people were already in line. Doors opened at 12:30, we went through metal detectors and were allowed to enter the inner sanctum. I settled in and amused myself savoring the back pain from the straight-backed wooden benches and re-reading the fine print in my citation. Soon I nodded off for a minute to two. I was startled awake by a lady in 6-inch spike heels stamping on my foot as she crawled over me for a seat.

I looked around. “OMG!”

The room was packed! Is everybody in Roswell a criminal like me? First they showed a movie about the glories of the justice system and 15 minutes of rules and regulations. I began to sit rigid in my pew, terrified to move. All the guards had guns, fat bellies, big belts full of torture devices and angry looks on their faces. When all you have is a gun to amuse yourself all day, everything that moves is a target.

A dozen or more lawyers milled around inside the fence that surrounded the judge, whispering to each other and to all the clerks, studiously ignoring their clients. Pre-trial time must not be billable. It turns out that municipal court does more than traffic tickets. There were drug busts, and other mysterious transgressions discussed in secretive tones. If you wanted to go to a real trial, the judge passes you up the ladder to the next jurisdiction (or something like that — don’t plan your defense based on this information!) A lot of time was spent sorting out the people according to their pleas — guilty, not guilty, nolo contendere or a pre-trial discussion.

Then the judge started calling the perpetrators to the bench. Oh no! He’s doing it alphabetically. And I’m an R! After a bit I got into the rhythm and eavesdropped on the dialogue between judge and suspect. It actually became interesting and given the number of cases, the staff was quite efficient. The judge made a decision after a seemingly unhurried discussion and handed off the person to the appropriate aide, depending on whether they wanted to plead, go to trial or ask for a continuance — which I think means kick the problem down the road.

Anyway, it only took 30 seconds once I was called. Before I could speak, the judge says “we’ll reduce the 60 mph to 59 which makes your case non-reportable. Anything else?”

My gawd, the guy’s a mind reader. Or do you think my unique and fascinating crime was his first encounter with it? I have to `fess up — everybody was as polite and efficient as they could be given our commitment to everyone getting “their day in court.” It is complicated, bureaucratic and cumbersome. And you know what? It’s beautiful to sit back and appreciate that although the rule of law is involved and awkward — it’s the best system that has ever been created for civilized people. There wasn’t even an executioner or a chopping block!

Meet Donald