Meet our writers


Humor February 2014

Ernie's World

Retirement Trainee

By Ernie Witham

Anyway, now that I have retired I have discovered some interesting things about being home every day, all day. For one, I'm not always sure what day of the week it actually is anymore or what time.

I just recently retired. I know what you are thinking: "You had a real job?"

That's right. I worked for a great Santa Barbara publishing company named Forester Media, where I was a well-respected, integral part of the production staff for more than seven years – until I gave my notice.

"Hey Boss, I've decide to retire."

"What? You still work here? I thought you retired years ago."

"Didn't you notice my car in the parking lot every day?"

"We thought you just forgot to take it when you left. We were going to have it towed, but the tow guy didn't think the bumper was strong enough to put a chain on."

I showed people that my name was still on the phone directory list and after they got over the shock, they threw a huge retirement party for me.

"Who's that guy and why's he giving a speech at our holiday bash?"

"I think he used to work here. Either that or he wandered over from the medical marijuana dispensary."

Bunch of kidders, those publishing types.

Anyway, now that I have retired I have discovered some interesting things about being home every day, all day. For one, I'm not always sure what day of the week it actually is anymore or what time.

"Morning, Dear, what's for breakfast?"

"You slept through breakfast and lunch, dinner will be ready in an hour."

"Huh. Bummer. If I keep missing meals, I'll probably fade away to nothing."

"I wouldn't worry just yet. You appear to have plenty of reserves."

"Thanks, I think. So anything I can do to help?"

"You could shower today, so I don't have to hang air fresheners around the house again."

Another thing I've noticed it that I have more time to spend with the newspaper now. "Look, Dear, I did the codeword puzzle, the crossword puzzle and the sudoku puzzle."

"Oh my god, that's why you've been in the bathroom for three hours? I was afraid you'd turned it into a photo darkroom again."

I can also go to the gym any time I want now and I don't have to rush my rigorous routine. "Hey, there's some guy sleeping in the sauna. We thought at first he was dead, until he started snoring."

"He looks like the same guy that fell asleep in the yoga class in the down-dog position. We moved him to the corner."

"The good news is that he's not hogging the three pound weights any more."

I'm also doing a lot of other sports related activities, too, like getting my short game into shape for my return to the golf course. I haven't played in almost two years because of my car wreck and shoulder surgery, but I'm getting closer every day.

"Where the heck have you been?" my wife asked. "You went out to get the mail hours ago."

"I've been hitting a few chips and pitches out on the common area."

"Ah, that would explain why so many people in the neighborhood are wearing hard hats."

Of course, my wife has taken advantage of more "me time" by suggesting some home improvement projects, which I must admit I'm getting quite good at.

"I put that new lock on the front door, Dear."

"Yes. I noticed that. Looks real good, too, except for the one minor detail of having the key lock on the inside and the hand lock on the outside."

"Huh. I was wondering why the instructions appeared to be upside down. Oh well, I'll fix it as soon as I'm done putting in this new hall light. Things should be brighter any minute... Zzzzaaaaapppppp."

"Don't move. I'll get the flashlight and fire extinguisher."

Probably the best thing about retirement, though, is the fact I have a lot more time for writing now. I've started penning the great American novel and have written over 100 words in just two months. Plus I'm still managing to get my column in on time.

"I thought your column was due Sunday."

"Yup, that's right."

"Today's Monday."

Huh. Excuse me. I guess I'll have to skip the evening news and whip out a column.

"That not the news. It's Late Night With David Letterman."

Wonder if Forester is hiring?


Meet Ernie