Insatiable workaholic is the best way to describe my neighbor Waldo’s lifestyle before he retired. Now, after 40 years of marriage, he’s finally getting acquainted with his wife Wanda. She has long tolerated Waldo’s idiosyncrasies, and that may influence her decision as to whether or not he gets to buy a convertible sports car — an innate desire that first surfaced when his hair went completely gray.
Waldo was banished to the front porch while Wanda contemplated the ragtop purchase and “number-crunched” the household budget. I strolled over there because he keeps a bottle of good whisky and some decent cigars hidden under the porch steps. Every pleasure has its price so I became his therapist, listening as Waldo recounted the zany scenarios that peppered his marriage.
First, there was the time he and I were in our back yards, chatting over the fence. Wanda leaned out the window to warn Waldo that the steaks on the grill were going to burn. His arrogant response was, “I’ve got everything under control woman; just get me another beer — ha, ha.” Later, the burned steaks were tough to swallow under Wanda’s angry glare.
And once, when Wanda was loading the dishwasher after a dinner party, Waldo told her to get out of the way so he could jam everything into a single load. Most of her Bohemian crystal stemware broke when he started the machine. They had us over for Sunday dinner a few weeks later — chili dogs on paper plates and beer in plastic cups.
Waldo occasionally enjoys playing chef at home, although there’s some inherent risk in doing that. Wanda was very upset last Valentine’s Day when Waldo asked, “Do frozen TV dinners get microwaved on the medium or high power setting?” To top it off, he forgot to remove the tinfoil, resulting in a spectacular fireworks display inside the microwave.
Even so, Waldo does his best to help out, like the time he lost the shopping list on the way to the supermarket. Amazingly, he still remembered the essentials: chips, salsa, chicken wings and a case of beer. And, being a real savvy guy, he also brought home a four-dollar bouquet of daisies.
No doghouse for Waldo, and he was quite pleased to see that Wanda hadn’t removed his famous blue pills from the medicine cabinet.
Then there was the time Waldo mounted a new shelving unit. As he started drilling into the wall, he said to his worried wife, “Back off woman; I know what I’m doing.” Soon, blue sparks were flying everywhere; he had accidentally drilled through to the circuit breaker box on the other side of the wall. The electrician didn’t charge for repairs; he said it was worth it just to get a firsthand look at this stupid blunder — big laughs for him and his buddies later at the bar.
Actually, Wanda stopped allowing Waldo to engage in do-it-yourself projects while she’s away from home. She needs to be on the scene to lovingly dress the self-inflicted wounds Waldo inevitably suffers as part of each project. That said, Waldo did reveal that his Florence Nightingale sometimes curses like a sailor.
Waldo said he admires Wanda’s patience when they’re on long car trips. He’s a fiercely independent guy who never stops to ask for directions. Once he got so busy navigating that the gas gauge escaped his attention, which explains how they ended up lost on a lonely country road one night and had to sleep in a farmer’s barn. Wanda wasn’t too mad; in fact, Waldo suspects that’s the night Junior was conceived.
Wanda loves animals, particularly one spoiled poodle. In the spirit of the cute doggy culture, Waldo once offered the mutt some spicy taco snack rolls, which he eagerly consumed. Then the dog’s eyes bulged and his stomach swelled. Wanda took the dog out for frequent potty walks that night, undoubtedly giving her lots of time to ponder Waldo’s white lie about the dog having stolen the spicy snacks.
Uh-oh, here comes Wanda now with her decision on the convertible — white smoke or black smoke? Waldo lit up like a happy little kid when she gave him the green light to buy the ragtop; that is, until she spelled out the stipulations: switch from cable TV to over-the-air reception; cancel the lawn care service; revert to do-it-yourself pest control, and get rid of that stupid ponytail!
Waldo slumped in his chair, turned to me and said, “I’m going back to work — know of any good part-time jobs around here?” A thin smile appeared on Wanda’s face when I replied, “Geez Waldo, let’s just have another shot of that fine bourbon.”
Liburdi's recent book "Italian American Fusion: Italy's Influence on the Evolution of America" is available at on-line bookstores and the Kindle Reader.