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Humor January 2014

Strictly Humor

The Grandpa Resolution

By B. Elwin Sherman

In fact, in your first photo, there you are with your thumb in your mouth and your first finger in your nose. You have a close relative (ahem) who believes that such early psychomotor dexterity means that you might one day be a maestro conducting your own symphony at Carnegie Hall, but that’s just the way he thinks (wink-wink).

I have a new granddaughter, Norah, and in lieu of making New Year’s resolutions for 2014, I’m sending a welcome letter to my new off-offspring.

My Dear Norah:

You arrived in the world today (pardon the mess), and the announcement came with the usual vital statistics: you weighed-in at 8 pounds, 13 ounces, and a smidgeon over 20 inches long. Don’t labor over what a “smidgeon” is just yet. You’ll discover that we humans have many ways of assigning units of measure, especially in this North Country. You’ll have enough trouble later sorting out oodles, smithereens and heebie-jeebies.

You’ll have to trust me, that someday when someone asks you about your birth size, and you tell them that you were a smidgeon over 20 inches, they’ll know what you mean.

This naturally brings us to your biggest earthly challenge: the art of communication. Not to worry. At first, nothing intelligible is expected from you. In fact, in your first photo, there you are with your thumb in your mouth and your first finger in your nose. You have a close relative (ahem) who believes that such early psychomotor dexterity means that you might one day be a maestro conducting your own symphony at Carnegie Hall, but that’s just the way he thinks (wink-wink).

The truth is, you COULD grow up to do just that, if that is within you, and when I think of how wide open the world is for you, I get dizzy with excitement. But, it’s also my duty and devotion, right about here, to help you prepare for what’s coming. I know you will have to travel your own path in your own way, but I can offer a few tips:

It’s probably best to not pet any animal on someone else’s leash without asking first.

When you make a drawing (which you will be called upon to do) and you choose to color the sun purple, and someone tells you that you’re wrong, try to ignore them. Sometimes, the sun IS purple. Don’t budge. If you see it and feel it is purple, use purple.

I want to explain to you how it’s possible that the first time you stand in the sand at the edge of an ocean, the water from a wave rushing back through your toes can make you feel like you’re changing the shape of the whole world  —  but I won’t try. When you do it yourself, it will be all yours.

I never learned how to whistle through my fingers, but your Great-Grandmother Pauline knows. She’ll be happy to show you.

I am, however, pretty good at ducks & drakes. This is where you take a flat stone and throw it just right so it skips across the water. When you’re ready, I’ll be happy to have a skip-off with you. It’s all in the hips and wrists. You may choose the stones.

There is an old expression: “Every form of refuge has its price.” Please, always keep this in mind. If you love to fly, you’ll need to have a long talk with gravity. If you want to ride a unicorn, you’ll need a good unicorn saddle. If you make mud pies, you’ll get muddy. If that’s fine with you, and you want to make a mud pie for me, I like mine packed with lots of sticks and gooey stuff.

You’ll have moments when you just don’t understand why things happen the way they do. Never stop asking. Keep at it until you find the answer that works for you.

I’ll bet you a mud pie that no matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to say “black bug’s blood” three times fast. This is one of life’s great mysteries, along with the inability to sneeze with your eyes open or tickle yourself. And, very few people can wiggle their ears or raise just one eyebrow, but I’ll be happy to practice trying with you.

All your life you will be faced with things you should do, things you could do, and things you would do. How you do or don’t do them will make all the difference.

There are many perils waiting for you up ahead, but just as many pleasures. It’s a good idea to always have a Plan B. Don’t ever stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole. Forget what’s fashionable and wear comfortable shoes. You can’t ever clean up all the world’s litter, but you can always not throw any yourself. Find the common ground between poetry and science. Be kind to animals. Ride the roller coaster at least once. Dance with abandon.

Know always … that you are loved.

Welcome home, my dear Norah!

Love, Grandpa El

 

Senior Wire News Service syndicated humor columnist B. Elwin Sherman writes from Bethlehem, N.H. His new book, “Walk Tall and Carry a Big Watering Can,” is now available. You may contact him via his blog at witbones.com.

Meet B. Elwin