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Humor November 2013

Agelessly Yours

The New 50, 60, 70?

By Karen White-Walker

What do you want to do — look snazzy and stylish, or feel as comfortable as an old cow? I ask myself. “Both!” is my resounding reply, but at my age, whatever the heck THAT is, you would think I would settle for the latter. But they say in a compromise nobody ever really wins, so I look neither stylish nor comfortable, just adequate.

If there’s one thing that’s so irritating and triggers my colitis, it’s when you reach a new decade of your life, say 50, 60, or 70, and you read or hear cockamamie people say that 50 is the new 40, 60 the new 50 and 70, please say it because I don’t have the strength to write it.

Frankly, all that ridiculous talk has made me a little confused and now I don’t know how the heck old I am! I’m all for looking ravishing, but what’s wrong with looking your own age? According to society’s standards — everything! I’ll admit that many of us don’t look like our grandparents did “back in the day,” but sometimes we sure feel the same aches and pains they did, don’t we? Some women powder their faces; I powder my feet so that my swollen toes can slide easier into my shoes. And they aren’t the four-inch heels, but clunky sneakers, and brother, do they ever look corny with dressy attire. Have you ever noticed how shoelaces and that little Nike logo that looks like a check mark, detracts terribly from anything made of satin and lace? Shaggy Chic, I thought that only applied to “linen and things?”

What do you want to do — look snazzy and stylish, or feel as comfortable as an old cow? I ask myself. “Both!” is my resounding reply, but at my age, whatever the heck THAT is, you would think I would settle for the latter. But they say in a compromise nobody ever really wins, so I look neither stylish nor comfortable, just adequate. I hate that word adequate. It belongs right down there with mediocre and so so, but as we age, and we sometimes look terrible and feel tired, so so might be the only thing attainable.

How many times have we heard that the secret to staying younger in our later years is to remain active and just keep going?

“But my knees hurt when I try to walk around the block,” my neighbor Sadie complains.

“Then try walking around the dining room table,” and then I mumble under my breath so she can’t hear, “Try losing about 100 pounds and that might help.”

But by being overweight, her chubby cheeks fills out all facial wrinkles, so it’s like she compromises a figure to look good from the neck up.

A spunky octogenarian I know squinted through his trifocals, motioned to me with his cane, shouted in my ear, and stammered for my name to reveal what he believed would be the untold truth the whole world was waiting for.

“Listen Molly….I mean, Marie….Emma, or is it Sylvia?”

“Close, my name is Karen.”

“Well, Sharon, know how I’ve managed to stay so young over the years?”

Did he mean disregarding his seeing, hearing, memory, and walking? I wondered.

“Young INSIDE,” he piped up, as if he instinctively knew what I had been thinking.

“How?” I asked.

“Two words — I accept.”

“Accept what?”

“Two words.”

“Again?”

“Young/Old. If I go out of this life looking worn, weary, and ache all over, so did He. And what better role model could this world have?”

“One word,” I winked at him. “Nobody!”

I never thought of that, but the old gentleman was right. I just can’t imagine His Son saying, “Heavenly Father, I may be over 2,000 years old, but it’s really the new 1,000.”

Don’t tell me that God is buying it!

 

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