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Humor October 2013

Ernie's World

Miles to go before we Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

By Ernie Witham

I yawned so deep I sucked the hair clip off of the person debarking in front of me, which was great because the choking woke me up enough to get to the baggage carousel which I immediately laid down on. About the fifth time I went around security grabbed me.

I was going to the East Coast to lead a humor workshop at the Cape Cod Writers Conference. It started on Sunday so I decided to take the red-eye on Saturday night and sleep on the plane. I had some powerful sleeping pills at the ready.

I knew we had to switch planes in Los Angeles, so I waited until we were on the ground in LA and gulped some down. Perfect timing, I thought.

It seemed like we taxied for about 15 minutes longer than the actual flight took. Then we had to claim our bags and walk several hundred yards on the tarmac with all our stuff to Gate 80. My next flight was leaving from Gate 7A. Never fails! I once walked so far to my next flight in Chicago O'Hare that the seasons changed and I had to get a haircut on the way.

When I finally got to Gate 7A there was no one there. That's when the intercom came on: "The eleven p.m. flight to New Jersey has been moved to Gate 80." The gate I just left.

I started to get drowsy. Wouldn't it be great to just get 40 winks? No! Must not sleep! Must keep walking! Faster! Not making much headway.

"You okay buddy? You keep walking into the info kiosk."

I wondered why my nose hurt. He turned me toward the concourse. I extended my hands out in front of me like a zombie. Closed my eyes for just a second.

"Hey dude if you don't stop hugging my wife you won't have to pretend you're the walking dead."

Dang! I tried letting just one eye sleep while the other one paid attention. Apparently I began walking in circles. Several kids were following me around. "Are you the Pied Piper?"

I spotted a Starbucks. "Quadruple Espresso Grande," I said to a trash receptacle. Someone pointed me toward the counter. "Quadruple Espresso Grande," I said again. The clerk handed me two large cups. I gulped them down. It burned all the way to my toes and back and I hiccupped fire.

Helped though. I got to my gate, on the plane, and we headed for the runway. I put my head back and my eyes popped open like the opposite of a Sleepy Baby doll.

Oh-oh.

I tried squeezing my eyes shut. Didn't work. I tried counting people heading for the lavatory. Nothing. I tried reading until my eyes got tired. Nada. I even watched a movie on my iPad. Then another. And another. Just as I was about the give up the captain said: "Prepare for landing," and I felt myself drifting off.

"What? Oh sorry, ma'am, I didn't realize my head was on your lap."

I went into the restroom to splash water onto my face. Unfortunately it was occupied. "Yes, I'll go buckle up right now and sorry about your shoes."

A minute later they shut off the engine, thanked us for flying United and I was pushed into line. I yawned so deep I sucked the hair clip off of the person debarking in front of me, which was great because the choking woke me up enough to get to the baggage carousel which I immediately laid down on. About the fifth time I went around security grabbed me.

"I need to find a bus to The Cape," I said.

"Peter Pan?"

"No Ernie Witham."

Turns out the bus line was called Peter Pan, which reminded me of dreaming. Ah, dreaming was bliss. I just wish that honking would stop. Oh good! It was my bus. I was in the road.

Next thing I knew I was being dropped off at the hotel entrance and I sleepwalked in with all my luggage. "Can I have my room key?" I asked.

"You have to ask at the desk. This is the bar."

My room was as far away as possible. I think the hotel was designed by the same person who designs airport concourses. When I finally got to the room I dropped my bags onto the floor, fell face first onto the bed, and the phone rang. The conference was starting in five minutes.

I'm back now. I think I had a good time.

 

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