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Advice & More April 2017

Ask Miss Nora

Where Has Love Gone?

Women often feel that it’s the man’s obligation to do all the romancing … but why? Have you returned to the slip of a gal your husband fell in love with? Or have you reluctantly sat on the sidelines judging his attempts to win you back?

Dear Miss Nora: I keep waiting for my husband to turn back into the man he used to be when we were first married – I’d even settle for the man he was after ten years -- and I'm getting fed up with it all. We went through a bad patch after the kids were all grown and moved out. I think we had just forgotten how to relate to one another and relied on our children for love and affection.

It got so bad that two years ago, I decided to leave and even made alternative living arrangements for myself. But my husband talked me into staying, saying that he wanted to go back to “how it all used to be between us, too” and that he’d try hard to make me happy again.

Wow! I was a fool. So far, nothing. He still doesn’t show me enough affection and refuses to take up new hobbies together. Am I right to think that I’ve given him enough time and that I'm entitled to be happy? I’m still young enough to enjoy life and a proper romance! — Bursting with frustration in Denver

Dear Bursting: You probably won’t be surprised that you're not alone in your plight. This is far more common than you realize. What is also common is that your complaint of lovelessness and frustration with your husband’s complacency after all these years of marriage (you don’t say how long you’ve been together but I suspect it’s long enough to have worn out a few moves), isn’t all your noncompliant husband’s fault.

I wonder what you’ve done to repair the cracks in your relationship. You don’t mention a word about the efforts you’ve made to turn the clock back to the days of wooing and swooning.

Women often feel that it’s the man’s obligation to do all the romancing … but why? Have you returned to the slip of a gal your husband fell in love with? Or have you reluctantly sat on the sidelines judging his attempts to win you back?

I see this often enough to be able to predict that you’ve sat back and waited to be enticed, not once doing the enticing. Have you attempted to join him in his activities, his idea of entertainments? Do you ask him out on a date? Have you arranged something fun for the two of you?

I'm not saying you should do all the work but you should be willing to at least make 50% of the effort. Also, it’s unfair to look for miracles once you’ve been married longer than sugar has been bad for your health! Partnerships can plateau occasionally. Relationships can relax. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you want Don Juan 24/7. If you think your bursting now, try living with non-stop amorousness – even temporarily – and you’ll be begging for loneliness, I guarantee it!

So, swallow your misplaced pride and date your husband too. If you indeed want to enjoy his best side again, show him yours. Win him back and fake interest in him if you must. But this is a two-person job. He’s as married as you are.

Saying all that, if deep down inside, you're just ready to move on to greener pastures and this is your subconscious way of making your husband the “baddy,” then leave. Nothing is more of a wake-up call than finding out you took the problem with you!

 

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